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Title: Averagely Extraordinary
Genre: YA Sci-Fi
Prologue
The entire cavern rumbled for the third time in as many minutes.
A young apprentice shook his head and continued working. In front of him
lay hundreds of vials and a variety of coloured viscous liquids.
His mind was buzzing from the constant hum of power around him. He was
not young but the rough environment had aged him beyond his years. And the
constant flow of high energy around him had caused his hair to fall out
prematurely.
Growing his hair back was on the agenda as soon as he finished on his
current project. The one which was bubbling in front of him; an apt fertilizer
for a special kind of fungus his mentor was growing.
He picked his head up to marvel at the genius of his guru. He was
helping the fledgling population of a planet survive the harsh and unfertile
land by providing them with an edible strain of fungus.
Another tremor shook the cavern causing the vials and bottles to clink
and jingle. The apprentice sighed as a splotch of brown goo fell on
his trousers.
He heard the trademark swishing of the long coat and turned around to
see his mentor enter the cavern. To conceal his thousand year life-span, Jake
often changed his appearance. Presently he had settled on a stout middle aged
body with handsome streak of grey running through his mottled brown hair.
“My dear Frank! Come now. Do not be so sullen. I did not take you to be
my protégé simply because your last name is Einstein. It does remind me of my
favourite experiment though,” said the old man, with a toothy grin.
“This infernal buzzing is driving me crazy, Jake. Plus this constant
rumbling. You have to stop your fungi growing such deep roots. It’s irritating
to keep moving my vials.”
“The rumbling is not being caused by the fungi,” said Jake, surprised.
“I thought you were trying to build your pylons again.”
Frank was miffed. The pylons were his first individual project and
although, Jake was very supportive, he didn’t seem to think much of it. “Then
what is it? A real quake?”
“That is impossible. You know we aren’t on a specific planet.” The great
inventor looked puzzled, a look Frank had never seen on the man’s face.
A thunderous crash shook the whole cavern and the vials smashed on the
floor, hissing and creating acidic puddles.
“What was that?” asked the apprentice, coughing. The ceiling was raining
stone-dust on them.
“Somebody is trying to reach us,” said Jake, trying to move away a chair
which had tripped him.
“Reach us here?” Frank asked, incredulously. “But nobody knows where we
are. Or for that matter, who we are!” Frank was proud to be the apprentice to
the great inventor but he hadn’t wagered his life for it.
The old man looked worried. “I think I know. Do you
remember the time we tried combining essences a couple of centuries ago?”
I'll be honest, this doesn't read like a YA. It's mature and stiff (to me at least)
ReplyDeleteBut above all I don't think this is the right place to start. Most people (as in agents and editors)don't like prolouges now a days. More often than not they are unneeded.
This simply didn't hook me.
Hi, thanks for entering!
ReplyDeleteI’d take out ‘entire’ from 1st sentence. You don’t want redundancies in your opening line.
Also, ‘was buzzing’ (or any was + verb sentence) is always going to sound passive, so why not put ‘his mind buzzed’ ?
The paragraph where he picks his head up feels forced, like you’re just trying to get what you feel is necessary to the reader. Don’t forget this character knows what his purpose is, so there’s no need to think it to himself or bother including it in his internal narrative.
Comma required after cavern.
He heard the trademark swishing of the long coat and turned around to see his mentor enter the cavern. – I thought the mentor was already there, since he looked up to marvel at him earlier.
Their whole conversation feels forced too, like you’re again just trying to get info to the reader. Try reading the lines aloud. Do they sound like something these characters would say? This line here is another perfect example: “That is impossible. You know we aren’t on a specific planet.” You said it yourself – the character knows this so why does the guy mention it. I’m confused by it too. How can it not be a specific planet? Unfortunately the very last line has the same feel. It’s like it’s setting up for Frank to say ‘no, please remind me,’ and then we’ll have a heap of forced explanation.
Shouldn’t be a comma after although.
I’d change to ‘an expression Frank had never seen on…’ , simply to avoid looked and look in the one sentence.
Again to avoid that passive sound I’d try something where the details are incidental and therefore feel more like a natural pattern of observation from the character. E.g.“What was that?” asked the apprentice, coughing hard as stone-dust rained down from the ceiling.
I am definitely curious and I like the tension coming in toward the end. Sorry if this comes across as harsh but I just think that with a little tightening, your concept could really shine through. There’s a lot of premise with the world and some interesting characters. I’m happy to find out all this forced back story later.
Good job!
The one which was bubbling in front of him; an apt fertilizer for a special kind of fungus his mentor was growing.
ReplyDeleteThe semicolon should be a comma, and there has to be another clause afterwards or this is a fragment. Or just cut 'which was bubbling' to 'bubbled' and change the ;.
There are a LOOTTT of uses of 'was' and 'had' and things like that. Cut. I saw previous drafts, and this still needs a lottt of tightening. Maybe limit yourself to five-ten uses of 'was' or 'had' or 'is' or any 'to be' verbs for this whole passage. Use stronger verbs.
The dialogue comes across really stilted to me.
The last few paragraphs with the dialoge: cut all the other stuff. Use only the dialouge, and MAYBE dialogue tags. Cut the rest. It gets skimmed and it is not important. Many of it is implied.
I am REALLY intrigued with this, however. The premise seems amazing, and it is totally something I would read. This needs tightening though.
Good luck! I know how much you worked :)
I enjoy fantasy and Sci-fi, and the premise seems interesting to me. Although I must admit to some of the confusion expressed by people who have already commented.
ReplyDeleteThe first few lines really grabbed me. The rumbling cavern and the fragility of the glass in that environment set up good tension. The thinking about his mentor and the greeting between the two tend to dilute it.
Also you call him a young apprentice, and then say he was not young, but the environment had aged him. You could clarify here.
I also wasn't sure where the brown goo came from? The ceiling? The vials? If he were glaring at the source of the goo - it would be more natural for Jack to pull him up for having a sour expression.
I agree with the above comments about the dialogue, if you had them responding to a bit tremour, with the added emphasis of vials shattering it might work better.
If you're writing a prologue get to the point as quickly as you can, and leave with some unresolved question - so going into the main story the reader is already starting to look for answers.
I hope these comments are useful. All the best working it through.
First impression: the beginning is a little choppy and kind of "done before". The passage didn't really draw me in and the end didn't leave me wanting more. I think you have a lot of potential here, it just needs a bit of work. You do have some great description, but I'm not entirely sure where they are. Are they in a cave? Or an underground lab?
ReplyDeleteSome things I noted:
"and although," move the comma to after and
A young apprentice shook his head ---> He was not young but the rough environment had aged him beyond his years. Question: is he young or old? =)
He picked his head up to marvel at the genius of his guru. Is he designing the fungus? A guru is usually someone who has mastered a craft...not sure this is the correct use of the word.
He heard the trademark swishing of the long coat... again, not sold on the use of trademark. I'd find another way to phrase this.
Again, I think you've got a lot of potential here. With some revisions, this could be outstanding!
His mind was buzzing from the constant hum of power around him. He
ReplyDeleteWhat about starting this sentence with a noun rather than pronoun: The apprentice was young, but the rough environment had aged...
And now that I've type this out, I notice a mistake: not young=I think you mean young. However, you've already called him a young apprentice and you're saying he's young again. What about describing him as young such has his eyes were youthful and energetic, yet his environment had aged him. The constant flow of high energy...
Growing his hair back was on the agenda as soon as he finished on his current project.
Eliminate "on"
The one which was bubbling in front of him; an apt fertilizer for a special kind of fungus his mentor was growing.
An emdash or comma would work better than a semicolon here.
Presently he had settled on a stout middle aged body with (a) handsome streak of grey running through his mottled brown hair.
Are you writing in British English? If not, it's supposed to be gray.
The pylons were his first individual project and although, Jake was very supportive, he didn’t seem to think much of it.
This is punctuated incorrectly.
Try this: The pylons were his first individual project and, although Jake was very supportive, he didn’t seem to think much of it.
Also, since Jake was the last person mentioned before the dialogue, the reader might be unsure of who is speaking.
Actually I'm still a little confused as to who is Frank and who is Jake. I'd stick Frank's name up there in the first few paragraphs instead of one of the pronouns.
Frank was proud to be the apprentice to the great inventor but he hadn’t wagered his life for it.
This sentence does really flow with the dialogue. How about this sentence after the dialogue: Frank looks around the crumbling walls with large eyes. He was proud to be the apprentice...
Show us how the old man looked rather than tell us he had a worried look. We'd like to judge that for ourselves. Show us his eyes darting around, his half-opened mouth, his sweating upper lip. Then we'll know that he has a worried look and we can imagine it more fully.
Overall this was very convoluted. It's as though you're trying to say too much in too short of a period of time. Take your time unloading the whys of how these two people ended up here, whether it's in exposition or in dialogue, and let the information leak into the readers' minds at a more gradual pace.
With that said, this is a great start and will feed the action-loving readers what they desire.
Good luck and I hope this helps!