Title: The Fall of the Kings
Genre: Epic Fantasy
First Page:
Gareth looked at me with such
tenderness, I was almost undone. When he reached across the table and
grasped my arm, only the iron discipline forged as Overseer prevented me from
breaking down and giving my grief full reign. Never mind he was the longest
serving of the twelve kings of Gaelladorn, and I the Conscience of the
Kingdom. Because of my exalted position no one had as much as patted me
on the shoulder since Alyssa died.
“I'm so sorry – it shouldn’t have
happened.”
Although he hadn't known her, he knew
me well enough to guess the depth of my suffering. I should have looked
him in the eye and at least mouthed the familiar platitudes, but I couldn't
bring myself to do it. In the privacy of his study, I let the cloak of
office slip and dropped my head, fighting to regain my composure.
When I was sure I wouldn't betray
myself, I let my gaze drift around the deceptively casual trappings of the
King's personal bolt-hole, feigning an interest in the exquisite tapestries so
I wouldn't have to make eye contact. I'm sure Gareth wasn't fooled, we'd
known each other for decades, and I'd never had time for the trappings of
wealth. But at least when I spoke my voice was steady.
“Are you really going to step down
then?”
He gave me a hard look, then to my
relief, relaxed back into his chair and started to laugh. A warm
belly-deep rumble that gained momentum and lit up his craggy features.
“Why does everyone keep asking me
that?”
I didn't quite have it in me to laugh
with him, but I bestowed an indulgent smile.
“I think everyone is looking for the
slightest sign you might actually hand over the reins.”
“I will. At the Dedication.”
My head snapped up, surely he was
joking. But to my surprise he was staring out of the window at the
Sanctuary; its spectacular honey-coloured silhouette dominating the skyline of
Tamar.
“But that's only two weeks away.”
He spun around, eyes flashing.
He wasn't used to being questioned, and I held up my hands as if to remind him
who he was speaking to.
“It's not a problem, I just didn't
expect this - so soon.”
Gareth ran his hands through his
hair, and sighed heavily, the anger dissipating as quickly as it came.
“The building's magnificent by the
way. How did you pull it together so quickly?”
I shrugged. Building the
Sanctuary had been my great passion, another way to draw people to the One who
laid the Heartstone. But now it was all but finished, I found no pleasure
in it. When I didn't elaborate he let the matter drop.
“I don't know why everyone's so
surprised I'm stepping down. I'm getting older -” He gave me another hard
look, daring me to contradict him. But unlike many that surrounded the
King, I wasn't in the business of flattery.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for entering! As I said when I emailed you I love that first line - not sure whether an agent would accept starting with passive voice but for me I was a little bit swoony straightaway, and the second line had a beautiful flow which matched the first perfectly. You keep up the gorgeous language throughout - you'll see all I have to offer you are nitpicks, sorry! Hope they help:
ReplyDeleteI would have liked clarification as to who was speaking in that first paragraph, rather than having to work it out based on the lines following it.
There’s some beautiful showing in that paragraph about the King’s bolt-hole, but I wouldn’t say 'trappings' twice because it’s not very common and therefore the repetition sticks out, as if it’s a pet word of yours.
The phrases 'was joking' and 'was staring' read very passively, especially so close together.
Nice showing rather than telling in the honey skyline.
I wasn’t sure who said the building was magnificent until the beat which came after it, so that threw me a little.
I’d change 'all but finished' to 'almost finished' just so you don’t have but but in the same sentence - but maybe that’s just me.
Great last line. Great characters. And I love that I can see a whole world with very little details. Fantastic stuff!
He gave me a hard look, then to my relief, relaxed back into his chair and started to laugh.
ReplyDeleteYou've separated clauses in the wrong place: everything following , then is a dependent clause; however, you have an interrupter which is: to my relief. So the sentence should read: He gave me a hard look then, to my relief, relaxed back into his chair and started to laugh.
A warm belly-deep rumble that gained momentum and lit up his craggy features.
You have three adjectives describing rumble, one being a compound adjective which you've done correctly; however, you must separate your two adjectives with a comma.
A warm, belly-deep rumble that gained momentum and lit up his craggy features.
At the Dedication.
Dedication would be fine as a proper noun except you have a modifier in front of it which takes away the proper feel of it and makes it look incorrectly capitalized.
At Dedication. Or At the dedication.
My head snapped up, surely he was joking.
This is could be correct (using a bit of creative license), it would look more professional as: My head snapped up; surely he was joking.
Was joking is not passive, but many have it in their head that it is: was/is + any ing verb makes people think you are writing passively when you are only establishing an ongoing activity. With people incorrectly assuming this is passive voice, I have begun to stay away from the phrasing if I could, and you might want to do that same.
BUT (big but) I hope anyone reading this takes note: was/is + ing only establishes action that continues and not just happening and stopping. Ex. I walked - meaning she walked and is done walking.
She is walking - means she continues to do so and is in no way passive.
One more thing about is/was + ing in your writing. You use this sentence structure a lot and it sticks out. If someone is reading and assuming you're writing passively, then you're going to sound passive a lot. I would at least pare the instances down to half.
But to my surprise he was staring out of the window at the Sanctuary; its spectacular honey-coloured silhouette dominating the skyline of Tamar.
You need to put a comma after your introductory clause: But to my surprise,
its spectacular honey-coloured silhouette dominating the skyline of Tamar - this is describing the sanctuary (which should not be a proper noun), therefore should only have a comma between it and its explanation clause, not a semicolon.
Gareth ran his hands through his hair, and sighed heavily, the anger dissipating as quickly as it came.
You have a POV problem here. Your narrator cannot know if Gareth's anger is actually dissipating.
Regardless of the POV issue, the sentence is incorrect. It should be: Gareth ran his hands through his hair and sighed heavily, the anger dissipating as quickly as it came.
“I don't know why everyone's so surprised I'm stepping down. I'm getting older -”
It's unclear why you'd leave this sentence open. Usually a dash (em dash) would be longer and denote an interruption, so it's unclear how this dialogue is supposed to sound here, and it's grammatically incorrect.
This is mysterious, intriguing writing with a strong grasp on showing the reader things and allowing them to put things together rather than spelling it out. I am intrigued and would definitely read further. I love your name choice too - Gareth. Fall of the Kings is also a great title; it lets the reader know there's potential for great conflict and possibly even war.
I also enjoyed your short, but creative descriptions: honey skyline, indulgent smile. This is good word choice and also lends to good emotion.
Thanks for entering the contest, and I hope this helps!
I really enjoyed this. I find it difficult to write in the POV of men, so this engaged me right from the start.
ReplyDeleteI only have two notes:
The first two sentences made me think it was a woman being grasped by a man. Once I was clear that the POV character was male, I was really hooked. We don't often to get see men bolstering each other this way. It was refreshing - and a great way to open a book, I think!
About two thirds of the way down I had to re-read at one point to be sure of who was speaking. Is there a way to get Gareth to refer to the Conscience guy by name? Just to keep them a little clearer?
Those are just nitpicks, really. I loved this and even though fantasy isn't really my thing, I would definitely have read more. Well done!
Actually I spent the whole time thinking the POV character was a woman - probably because of that first line. If it is a male then I agree it's refreshing to see them comfort each other, but maybe a line to confirm the POV is male would be good.
ReplyDeleteOh an Lisa's right - was joking isn't passive but as I said it started to sound that way next to the other was phrases. Hope all our nitpicking helps!
ReplyDeleteThis was very easy to read. I think you did a great job with gestures and creating two characters who immediately sound very distinct from each other. That said, I don't really feel like I know the main character at all. I'm not even sure if it's a man or a woman (though I was leaning toward woman the entire time I read). Aside from tightening the technical aspects (I think Lisa Terry gave great suggestions), I would take a little space to clarify who the main character is. Maybe have the king address them by name?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I like the main character and feel sorry for him/her based on their grief, but what is at stake? I can tell something is at stake for Gareth, but I have no idea what the MC will be fighting for throughout the narrative. Will his/her job be in jeopardy if Gareth steps down? Or are the stakes of a completely different nature? I don't think you need to reveal all in this opening 500 words, but dropping a small hint, enough to draw the reader in and have them guessing, is something I personally think you should do.
By the way, I'm totally intrigued by your title and by the MC's occupation as the Conscience of the Kingdom. You have a really lovely writing style. I would have read more if it was available :-)
Ashley makes a good point - what will the MC be fighting for? It's the sort of thing an agent wants to know. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteWhat is a 'bolt-hole'?
ReplyDeleteAlso: I'm sure Gareth wasn't fooled, we'd known each other for decades, and I'd never had time for the trappings of wealth.
The first two phrases should be separated by a period.'
But to my surprise he was staring out of the window at the Sanctuary; its spectacular honey-coloured silhouette dominating the skyline of Tamar.
No semicolon; use a comma instead, because they are not independent phrases.
Also, how old is the girl? The MC? What's her name? Main thing is, I thought she was a teenager... so when I found out the king was old, I got scared. Maybe show a bit of her wrinkled hands or something so we know how old she is.
But this was very well written as a whole :) Not much else to say except the nitpicks!
Good job, and good luck!
Very well written.
ReplyDeleteThe characterisation is done brilliantly and I can see both of them in my mind. It took a while to realise that the MC was not a girl though.
This is the kind of fantasy that creates new niches.
The chemistry is aptly represented. I am hooked into reading more and your piece does its work.
My first impression: this reads like the middle of the book, not the beginning. Now, that might be the case and if so, well done.
ReplyDeleteIt is very well written. It kept my attention throughout, and I was able to picture what was going on with very little problem. It sounds like an interesting book.