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Title: The Hourglass Bridge
Genre: YA Fantasy
Query Pitch:
When an unexpected nap during history class has Diamond sleep-ranting about a plot against evil, she thinks the worst is over at being scolded by her favourite teacher and giving her bullies more to laugh at. However that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly chivalrous teenage wizard, pulls her into the sixteenth century, expecting her to save his life.
Genre: YA Fantasy
Query Pitch:
When an unexpected nap during history class has Diamond sleep-ranting about a plot against evil, she thinks the worst is over at being scolded by her favourite teacher and giving her bullies more to laugh at. However that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly chivalrous teenage wizard, pulls her into the sixteenth century, expecting her to save his life.
Convinced he’s got the wrong history buff, Di is ready to throw a panic attack and demand to be sent home – until she learns the truth. Arthur is about to inherit the legendary powers that protect his hidden, magical civilization; Malicia, an immortal witch whose looks can kill and whose temper shatters mountains, intends to destroy him for it; and a cryptic message says if Di can’t protect him, she and her twin brother will be next.
It just fails to mention that her nap through class may have triggered Malicia’s plan in the first place.
Desperate to keep her brother safe, even if he is a pain in the butt who probably deserves time on the rack, Di agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he is powerful enough to fight. Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and numerous near death (by embarrasment) experiences as she involuntarily swoons all over him, she fails to notice the destructive forces growing inside her. But when sixteenth century spies attack her ancestors, and her brother’s saintly new powers make him the most vulnerable target of all, Di realises she must finish the war she started – even if it means succumbing to the darker side of herself.
There you are guys - something else to practice your critiquing on. And feel free to be as harsh as you like. :D
ReplyDeleteThis sounds really interesting, but it comes off as more a synopsis than a pitch. As I'm poking about posted queries, the ones that seem most effective spend the bulk of words leading up through the inciting incident, then throw in a good idea of the stakes.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, you zoom right over "sleep ranting" presumably because you've got a lot of ground to cover. However, I don't really get what that is and I assume it is crucial. Another instance is "saintly powers." If you're less rushed, I think you'll have more room to add in voice (you have some good stuff in the 4th para, needs more) and a better picture of the mc. Also, you'll be able to drop in the coolest aspects of what makes YOUR world special as opposed to having a generic fantasy.
Also, I'd like to see more drive on Di's part. She doesn't do anything for the first three paragraphs besides fall asleep. Even the forth, it is unclear if Di actually moves the plot forward or is a leaf blown about by the actions of others. She is otherwise described as having a panic attack and involuntarily swooning. These don't make her sound like a mc who can carry the story. I'm not suggesting Di needs to be a badass, but she shouldn't be wimpy either.
I hope that was helpful - good luck!
First out - I love the idea!
ReplyDeleteI think the opening paragraph is engaging and sets the tone nicely . I don't have a particular issue with sleep ranting (it indicates a volume and attitude unlike sleep talking). Also you give a good amount of info about Di in a few sentences.
I don't think panic attacks are thrown. She either has one (which is a bit passive) or throws a fit ( a bit melodramatic). You could just leave it out entirely: Convinced he’s got the wrong history buff, Di demands to be sent home...
You also drop a lot of info into paragraph 2. I like it - but there doesn't seem to be a reason why she accepts the truth. Could you give a hint at where the link came from between Arthur, Di and her brother?
Personally I'd skip the 3rd paragraph. If the cryptic note fails to mention the nap - how has she made the connection? And if she makes the connection at some point - isn't this a reason for her to buy into getting involved?
I liked the part about her brother deserving to be on the rack! You also give a great taste of what's to come. Near death by embarrassment - excellent stuff. It feels light and fun and a bit romantic.
I'm not sure if the part where 'she fails to notice the destructive forces growing inside her.' works for me. Is a dark power influencing her, or is there a cost to learning magic, or some link with Malicia? Perhaps reconsider your description of what's happening.
I think your final paragraph may need a bit of tightening up. There's a lot in here, and it doesn't necessarily link to what you've given us so far.
First how does she know the ancestors have been attacked? Are they watching the 16th century, or does someone warn them?
Also the part about the brother's saintly new powers feels like it's been dropped on us. Not so long ago he deserved to be on the rack. Surely she would be gobsmacked her annoying brother has developed saintly powers, except now he's vulnerable and a target.
Also I didn't see this as a war - I could see how it might go that way, but it interrupts the flow a little. I like Di has to finish what she started - but perhaps connect it to confronting / stopping Malicia.
A great concept though, and a story I'd love to read! Best of luck.
I was definitely intrigued by this, but I found a lot of run-on sentences made it hard for me to follow the narrative. Especially in the first and last paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI love hearing that she's swooning all over Arthur - I would have been more hooked by that if there was one reason given. I.e. Is he particularly skillful with magic? Handsomely cut, with a habit of being chivalrous? I'd love to be able to picture why he's swoonworthy so I could anticipate riding that roller coaster with her.
Is this the blurb for a query? If so, it seems quite long. Most agents specifically ask for a query letter to fit into a single page - and specify about 250-300 words (including all the author bio, book details, etc) as the ideal length.
If you are writing this for a query, I'd cut a lot of the circumstancial detail out of the second paragraph and just give the facts about the conflict. I'd delete the mention of the sleep-rant as a catalyst. Pare back your first and last paragraphs to cover the story details (and the swooning - ha!) and I'd want to read more.
Queries are designed to give a 'taste' and create curiosity. They don't have to show the whole picture.
All that said, it sounds really interesting. If I read that on the back of a book I'd open the first pages and see if it grabbed me. Good luck with this!
The first sentence is kind of a run-on. Try cutting it down a lot and simplifying it. The real hook happens in the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteMalicia, an immortal witch whose looks can kill and whose temper shatters mountains. Cut the 'looks can kill' because it gets too much to read; the entire sentence is a three sentence compound sentence.
The third paragraph comes out of the blue and doesn't reference anything. It doesn't add up.
Cut this: even if he is a pain in the butt who probably deserves time on the
OOhh, I like the last sentence. Very hooky. For some reason, I thought the tone was MG. Maybe include the age or something.
I liked this though! Just tighten it up.
sleep-ranting
ReplyDeleteInstead of sleep ranting (with a space) because it shows that these two words belong together and have one meaning rather than two different words that would have two different meanings. I read this the first time: When an unexpected nap during history class has Di sleep (then paused here and figured you meant asleep rather than just sleep) ranting about a plot against evil...and then I had to reread to figure it out.
It just fails to mention that her nap through class may have triggered...
I'd say message instead of it. "It" isn't the greatest word to begin a sentence with and it's certainly not a great word to begin a paragraph with and really not good at all to have "it" begin a paragraph in a query letter.
Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and numerous near death (by embarrasment) experiences as she involuntarily swoons all over him
I'd say Author here instead of him lest the reader forget who she's talking about. Grammatically you're correct but you have mentioned another male in this paragraph and it's best not to be confusing in a query letter.
Diamond realises she must finish the war she started – even if it means succumbing to the darker side of herself.
I'm iffy on whether or not you should use Diamond here instead of Di. You've introduced her with her nickname and then gone to her full name. Usually it's done the opposite way and there's more space to work up to it such as a chapter of a book, not a short query letter.
And there you go. Awesome letter and very good pace. I like the voice and it seems you've included the right details to get the plot points across. Great stuff.
haha thanks Lisa, you're so right there (especially with the name thing, which I hadn't even noticed). Thanks guys!
DeleteHey Katherine,
ReplyDeleteI really like your story. The query though needs a bit of tightening up. Lisa's point on the name is bang on.
The only other point I had a gripe about is that her brother never came to the 16th century as per the first para. How does he get powers and be in trouble?
When an unexpected nap during history class has Diamond sleep-ranting about a plot against evil, she thinks the worst is over at being scolded by her favourite teacher and giving her bullies more to laugh at. (This sentence is very long and not much happens. Decide what's important and break it down to those key elements.) However (I would cut the however) that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly chivalrous teenage wizard, pulls her into the sixteenth century, expecting her to save his life.
ReplyDeleteConvinced he’s got the wrong history buff, Di is ready to throw a panic attack and demand to be sent home – until she learns the truth. Arthur is about to inherit the legendary powers that protect his hidden, magical civilization; Malicia, an immortal witch whose looks can kill and whose temper shatters mountains, intends to destroy him for it; and a cryptic message says if Di can’t protect him, she and her twin brother will be next. (Again, another long sentence. This one is very busy, though. Try to break it down to the important stuff and give it to us in smaller bits)
It just fails to mention that her nap through class may have triggered Malicia’s plan in the first place. (Do we need this? It seems out of place to me)
Desperate to keep her brother safe, even if he is a pain in the butt who probably deserves time on the rack, Di agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he is powerful enough to fight. Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and numerous near death (by embarrasment) experiences as she involuntarily swoons all over him, she fails to notice the destructive forces growing inside her. But when sixteenth century spies attack her ancestors, and her brother’s saintly new powers make him the most vulnerable target of all, Di realises she must finish the war she started – even if it means succumbing to the darker side of herself.
I LOVE this premise. It's been done a thousand times, but it sounds like yours is different, which is important. I made a few notes for you in the text in ( ), but over all, I think you have a pretty good query letter.