Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)
Title: Don't Blink
Genre: Mainstream
Gasping, Jimmy Rickliefs rocketed up in bed, sweat rolling down his face. Pain shot from his stomach to his back in waves and the night-darkened room spun around him. Looking for relief, he sat up on the edge of the bed, clutching his midsection, rocking back and forth. His breath came in short spasms and he felt his right side go numb; he’d never felt such pain before.
His wife stirred, the black sheets rustling as she sat up, and he felt her hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?” she asked, her voice laced with sleep.
He turned towards her and tried to smile. “Just a stomachache. I probably shouldn’t have had that left over sushi last night, that’s all. I’ll be fine.”
She rubbed his shoulder, but he shrugged it off; his skin felt like it was crawling. His skin felt hot and clammy all at once and he stood, putting on a brave face, headed for the bathroom.
The bathroom was the smallest room in the house. The toilet was tucked into a tiny corner, his knees bumping the wall when he sat. The floor was covered in ugly green tiles, and they’d been saving up to replace them. The vanity was next to the toilet, and while Jimmy wasn’t a large man, he just fit in the space.
When nothing happened, he took something to calm his stomach. Just his luck, the chalky pink liquid acted more like ipecac than a soothing balm; he grabbed the trashcan near the toilet and heaved into it, his stomach muscles clenching painfully. He started sweating more profusely and sat on the ugly green floor in an attempt to cool down, his skin erupting in goose bumps. When the dizziness got the better of him, he leaned against the toilet, welcoming the coldness on his cheek.
Moments later, his wife leaned over him and hauled him to his feet. He didn’t have the energy to walk and every step made him more nauseated. When she sat him on the bed, he had a vague idea what might be going on, and sure enough, she helped him get dressed. Her hands were shaking and her breathing was rapid. She only did that when she was scared. Moving made his pain worse and his stomach roiled in protest. He held the offended organ as they made their way through the bedroom, pausing long enough for her to grab a trashcan. He set it on the floor of her car, holding his stomach. He barely noticed the houses zipping past as his wife headed for the hospital.
Allison stopped the car at a light, and he heard her ragged intake of breath. She offered him a wobbly smile, but he knew she was going to cry. He was feeling worse and was relieved when she proceeded into the intersection at the green light, even as a particularly violent spasm raked his back. All of a sudden, there was a flash of light, and Jimmy felt as if he were being crushed.
My first comment will be that starting a story with a character waking up is overdone. I'm not saying yours is bad, but automatically agents and editors are going to remember the 50 other novels that start this way. Even if yours is different. It's still the same. (if that makes sense.) You can choose to keep it this way if it is nessesary for the story but you should at least know its a little bit of a risk.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of my critiques are mostly line by line.
--"voice laced with sleep." I don't like this. I don't know if it's techically wrong but it doesn't read right to me. It made me pause, and even after rereading the line I still don't like it. It might just be me, but keep a look out on how other people react to it.
--"Just a stomachache. I probably shouldn’t have had that left over sushi last night, that’s all. I’ll be fine.”
The "That's all" feels forced. I feel like it would be more smooth without it.
--"; his skin felt like it was crawling. His skin felt hot and"-- You repeat "His skin" here and I don't like the way it reads
Okay, so now that I read to the end I can't help but feel like there isn't enough of a point here. Not many people will want to read about a man waking up and getting sick unless there is something interesting about it. Something that progresses the plot. Now, of course that might happen in the next few paragraphs but I don't see it yet. And to be honest with you I think it's not soon enough. 500 words is plenty enough to get people to stop reading if you don't hook them. The first paragraph will get me to read the next but after that--. I don't think you need to describe the batheroom either, not this early. I want character, I want plot. I don't want to know what the bathroom looks like. I'd cut a little here and make the real story come sooner. The only thing I MIGHT add is more characterization, but story is just as important for a first page. I want to know why I should care about this guy, but I also need to know why I'm reading about him at all.
I hope this helps. I didn't mean for any of it to be mean, I think it has promise and in this case I don't think him waking up is a problem, as long as it leads to something important. I just think it needs to be presented a little earlier.
Good luck!
No worries! I love honest feedback and this will help my novel =). This scene actually leads up to the O.O moment in the book, and I've fiddled with this quit a bit. I actually thought about cutting the bathroom description but then I wasn't sure, so I left it in =). I appreciate *all* feedback and I will take your comments into revisions!
DeleteP.s. Are you aware that "Don't Blink" is the title of a James Patterson novel? Not that you can't name it that, but your story might get lost behind his. Just a heads up.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/Dont-Blink-James-Patterson/dp/0316036234
I did not know that. Thank you for the heads up =). *back to the title drawing board* I had originally titled it "In the Blink of an Eye"...maybe I should stick with that.
DeleteStacey made some very good points, and I agree with removing the bathroom descriptive section. Not necessary and just slows things down.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a feel for the plot here - a poor guy is in a lot of pain and his wife rushes him to hospital. Nothing happens to make me want to keep reading. I wonder if you could bring the O.O moment earlier so it's in the first 500 words... Perhaps he's already in hospital from the pain with his worried wife looking over him. You probably started a bit too early.
Also, you use 'felt' several times - try not to rely on telling us that he feels things, but show us where possible.
Hope this helps.
Hi there, thanks for entering!
ReplyDeleteI’m immediately worried for you, starting with a character waking up. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard an agent complain about that I’d be… well, I’d still be broke, since a nickel isn’t much use in Australia. But anyway, be careful.
Moving on…
These comments are basically identical to what I would say:
--"voice laced with sleep." I don't like this. I don't know if it's techically wrong but it doesn't read right to me. It made me pause, and even after rereading the line I still don't like it. It might just be me, but keep a look out on how other people react to it.
--"Just a stomachache. I probably shouldn’t have had that left over sushi last night, that’s all. I’ll be fine.”
The "That's all" feels forced. I feel like it would be more smooth without it.
--"; his skin felt like it was crawling. His skin felt hot and"-- You repeat "His skin" here and I don't like the way it reads
…
This isn’t a proper sentence: The toilet was tucked into a tiny corner, his knees bumping the wall when he sat. Essentially what you’re saying is that the toilet’s knees bumped the wall. That whole paragraph has more description than we need anyway – you started with some good tension (although I’m grimacing about where it’s going!) so you don’t want to slow it down.
Interesting ending, but I do agree that more needs to happen here to hook an agent’s attention. Hope this helps. Good job!
These help a LOT! =) I've been told that what comes next is everyone's favorite part of the beginning...I think that's a sign I've overlooked. I'm going to do some fiddling with this and see what I can do to make it more dramatic and less about his bathroom =). But these comments are really helping!
ReplyDeleteYes I agree with the above - except that I really liked the 'laced with sleep' description. (I guess thats a matter of taste, but it worked for me).
ReplyDeleteYou did use 'felt' quite often which was a bit jarring. Especially when referring to skin, in concurrent sentences.
I don't mind having a shortish description of the bathroom - I think the thing you were trying to convey was how cramped he was, and a big man in a small space. Best to convey the feeling, rather than spell out where everything is. If I was him and feeling sick - the only thing that would make me notice the tiles at all would be if the colour made me feel worse.
The phrase 'When nothing happened' doesn't tell us much. Did he think he was going to be sick? Did he scrabble for the medicine hoping it would help? Or did he take a moment to try and pull it all together. I think all of us can relate to being ill and not being able to think on anything except feeling better.
I understood that the wife was scared as she dressed him. You could clarify a little here - I assume this wasn't the first time. What had she seen that made her know he had to go to hospital and not just curl back up in bed.
Did you mean offending organ - rather than offended? On first read I actually thought something had fallen off or out... (organs usually are inside the body).
The flash of light was the thing that caught my attention. Ah here is the interesting premise. Now I'm thinking its not just a standard run to the Emergency department. Perhaps if you started with his wife's fear and bundling him into the car, you could hit this sweet spot sooner. I'm sure the next 500 words really take off.
I hope this helps, and best of luck!
The organ thing made sense when I read it through, but now that you mention it...oops. It doesn't make as much sense as I thought =).
ReplyDeleteI love your comments =) (and everyone's!). I think you might've helped my brainstorming as to how to start it with a bang...good suggestion!
Hi
ReplyDeleteI think some of he description is ok to get a feel for the size of the guy and a bit about his living conditions. I can also tell you first hand when I had food poisoning I ran to the bathroom and focused on weird stuff like the tile or even a weird pattern on one of my towels. The sentence where they make there way through the bedroom though made me think it was a large room which conflicted with the small bathroom...not a big thing but it goes directly from walking across the room and then the next sentence he is placing the trashcan in the car...the light at he end could mean they are getting pulled over or they are about to be involved in a serious car accident or maybe aliens are landing...either way it was a strong last sentence
Doug
I remember the times I've had either food poisoning or an allergic reaction I focus on the strangest things, just to take my mind off how I feel. Good comments and I will take those into revisions!
ReplyDeleteI'll go the other way from the above posters. I didn't have a problem with the MC waking up because it's different here. Also, I liked the beginning. It shows your writing prowess and the 500 words ends at a perfect point leaving us wanting more.
ReplyDeleteHis breath came in short spasms and he felt his right side go numb; he’d never felt such pain before.
ReplyDeleteYou have felt twice in one sentence and this particular word also removes the reader from your character. Say he is/was in pain; don't say he felt pain.
A really smart person I know call those words filter words. By saying your character feels/hears/sees something, you are letting your reader "view" this character rather than "be" that character.
He turned towards her and tried to smile.
I'm unsure if you're writing in British English or American English, but if you're writing in AE, then toward isn't supposed to be plural.
She rubbed his shoulder, but he shrugged it off; his skin felt like it was crawling. His skin felt hot and clammy all at once and he stood, putting on a brave face, headed for the bathroom.
Doesn't this sound much better:
She rubbed his shoulder, but he shrugged it off; his skin was crawling. He was hot and clammy all at once and he stood, putting on a brave face, headed for the bathroom.
He held the offended organ as they made their way through the bedroom, pausing long enough for her to grab a trashcan. He set it on the floor of her car, holding his stomach.
Whoa, we went from a bathroom to the car and nothing in between. What about him holding onto his inside as though the might fall out as they stumble through the hallway.
Then readers aren't so abruptly placed into the car and having no idea how they got there.
Were they in a wreck?
This pulled me right in so great job. While I do agree with opening your book with a waking up scene is overdone. I do think you've done it well, and there are still exceptions that work very well.
I hope this helps.
- Lisa
Thank you! I was surprised when I saw a comment for this =). You made some good suggestions and I will definitely take them into revisions (it's always a work in progress, isn't it?). Thank you again :D
ReplyDeleteAnd I never thought about the word "felt"...that gives me something to think about as I revise as well.
You're welcome. I'm glad you found it helpful.
Delete