tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post882156476790935177..comments2023-08-14T08:57:51.809-07:00Comments on Beyond The Hourglass Bridge...: Critique contest Entry no. 2.katherineamabelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-73710816023023559712012-06-28T16:53:34.117-07:002012-06-28T16:53:34.117-07:00My first impression: this reads like the middle of...My first impression: this reads like the middle of the book, not the beginning. Now, that might be the case and if so, well done. <br /><br />It is very well written. It kept my attention throughout, and I was able to picture what was going on with very little problem. It sounds like an interesting book.Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-11085869841541037452012-06-28T11:48:44.456-07:002012-06-28T11:48:44.456-07:00Very well written.
The characterisation is done b...Very well written.<br /><br />The characterisation is done brilliantly and I can see both of them in my mind. It took a while to realise that the MC was not a girl though.<br /><br />This is the kind of fantasy that creates new niches. <br /><br />The chemistry is aptly represented. I am hooked into reading more and your piece does its work.Utsavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03433651206976393579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-53543712956739658442012-06-26T11:01:15.042-07:002012-06-26T11:01:15.042-07:00What is a 'bolt-hole'?
Also: I'm sure...What is a 'bolt-hole'?<br /><br />Also: I'm sure Gareth wasn't fooled, we'd known each other for decades, and I'd never had time for the trappings of wealth.<br /><br />The first two phrases should be separated by a period.'<br /><br />But to my surprise he was staring out of the window at the Sanctuary; its spectacular honey-coloured silhouette dominating the skyline of Tamar.<br /><br />No semicolon; use a comma instead, because they are not independent phrases.<br /><br />Also, how old is the girl? The MC? What's her name? Main thing is, I thought she was a teenager... so when I found out the king was old, I got scared. Maybe show a bit of her wrinkled hands or something so we know how old she is.<br /><br />But this was very well written as a whole :) Not much else to say except the nitpicks!<br /><br />Good job, and good luck!SC Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10382410035007943921noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-41607456501657203662012-06-25T14:55:20.295-07:002012-06-25T14:55:20.295-07:00Ashley makes a good point - what will the MC be fi...Ashley makes a good point - what will the MC be fighting for? It's the sort of thing an agent wants to know. Good luck :)katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-18073263209162692132012-06-25T14:42:16.351-07:002012-06-25T14:42:16.351-07:00This was very easy to read. I think you did a grea...This was very easy to read. I think you did a great job with gestures and creating two characters who immediately sound very distinct from each other. That said, I don't really feel like I know the main character at all. I'm not even sure if it's a man or a woman (though I was leaning toward woman the entire time I read). Aside from tightening the technical aspects (I think Lisa Terry gave great suggestions), I would take a little space to clarify who the main character is. Maybe have the king address them by name?<br /><br />Also, I like the main character and feel sorry for him/her based on their grief, but what is at stake? I can tell something is at stake for Gareth, but I have no idea what the MC will be fighting for throughout the narrative. Will his/her job be in jeopardy if Gareth steps down? Or are the stakes of a completely different nature? I don't think you need to reveal all in this opening 500 words, but dropping a small hint, enough to draw the reader in and have them guessing, is something I personally think you should do.<br /><br />By the way, I'm totally intrigued by your title and by the MC's occupation as the Conscience of the Kingdom. You have a really lovely writing style. I would have read more if it was available :-)Ashley Makerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13760353417553975473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-25329237738691928612012-06-17T19:47:10.833-07:002012-06-17T19:47:10.833-07:00Oh an Lisa's right - was joking isn't pass...Oh an Lisa's right - was joking isn't passive but as I said it started to sound that way next to the other was phrases. Hope all our nitpicking helps!katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-51366465109068283462012-06-17T16:52:44.721-07:002012-06-17T16:52:44.721-07:00Actually I spent the whole time thinking the POV c...Actually I spent the whole time thinking the POV character was a woman - probably because of that first line. If it is a male then I agree it's refreshing to see them comfort each other, but maybe a line to confirm the POV is male would be good.katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-45456730434064594252012-06-17T13:31:19.157-07:002012-06-17T13:31:19.157-07:00I really enjoyed this. I find it difficult to writ...I really enjoyed this. I find it difficult to write in the POV of men, so this engaged me right from the start.<br /><br />I only have two notes: <br /><br />The first two sentences made me think it was a woman being grasped by a man. Once I was clear that the POV character was male, I was really hooked. We don't often to get see men bolstering each other this way. It was refreshing - and a great way to open a book, I think!<br /><br />About two thirds of the way down I had to re-read at one point to be sure of who was speaking. Is there a way to get Gareth to refer to the Conscience guy by name? Just to keep them a little clearer?<br /><br />Those are just nitpicks, really. I loved this and even though fantasy isn't really my thing, I would definitely have read more. Well done!AimeeLSalterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-30767339009104986942012-06-17T08:22:25.876-07:002012-06-17T08:22:25.876-07:00He gave me a hard look, then to my relief, relaxed...He gave me a hard look, then to my relief, relaxed back into his chair and started to laugh.<br />You've separated clauses in the wrong place: everything following , then is a dependent clause; however, you have an interrupter which is: to my relief. So the sentence should read: He gave me a hard look then, to my relief, relaxed back into his chair and started to laugh.<br /><br /> A warm belly-deep rumble that gained momentum and lit up his craggy features.<br />You have three adjectives describing rumble, one being a compound adjective which you've done correctly; however, you must separate your two adjectives with a comma.<br /> A warm, belly-deep rumble that gained momentum and lit up his craggy features.<br /><br />At the Dedication.<br />Dedication would be fine as a proper noun except you have a modifier in front of it which takes away the proper feel of it and makes it look incorrectly capitalized.<br />At Dedication. Or At the dedication.<br /><br />My head snapped up, surely he was joking.<br />This is could be correct (using a bit of creative license), it would look more professional as: My head snapped up; surely he was joking.<br />Was joking is not passive, but many have it in their head that it is: was/is + any ing verb makes people think you are writing passively when you are only establishing an ongoing activity. With people incorrectly assuming this is passive voice, I have begun to stay away from the phrasing if I could, and you might want to do that same. <br />BUT (big but) I hope anyone reading this takes note: was/is + ing only establishes action that continues and not just happening and stopping. Ex. I walked - meaning she walked and is done walking.<br />She is walking - means she continues to do so and is in no way passive.<br />One more thing about is/was + ing in your writing. You use this sentence structure a lot and it sticks out. If someone is reading and assuming you're writing passively, then you're going to sound passive a lot. I would at least pare the instances down to half.<br /><br />But to my surprise he was staring out of the window at the Sanctuary; its spectacular honey-coloured silhouette dominating the skyline of Tamar.<br />You need to put a comma after your introductory clause: But to my surprise,<br />its spectacular honey-coloured silhouette dominating the skyline of Tamar - this is describing the sanctuary (which should not be a proper noun), therefore should only have a comma between it and its explanation clause, not a semicolon.<br /><br />Gareth ran his hands through his hair, and sighed heavily, the anger dissipating as quickly as it came.<br />You have a POV problem here. Your narrator cannot know if Gareth's anger is actually dissipating.<br />Regardless of the POV issue, the sentence is incorrect. It should be: Gareth ran his hands through his hair and sighed heavily, the anger dissipating as quickly as it came.<br /><br />“I don't know why everyone's so surprised I'm stepping down. I'm getting older -”<br />It's unclear why you'd leave this sentence open. Usually a dash (em dash) would be longer and denote an interruption, so it's unclear how this dialogue is supposed to sound here, and it's grammatically incorrect.<br /><br />This is mysterious, intriguing writing with a strong grasp on showing the reader things and allowing them to put things together rather than spelling it out. I am intrigued and would definitely read further. I love your name choice too - Gareth. Fall of the Kings is also a great title; it lets the reader know there's potential for great conflict and possibly even war.<br />I also enjoyed your short, but creative descriptions: honey skyline, indulgent smile. This is good word choice and also lends to good emotion. <br /><br />Thanks for entering the contest, and I hope this helps!Lisa Terryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10219493276238634460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-25538781908312273762012-06-17T03:40:19.475-07:002012-06-17T03:40:19.475-07:00Thanks again for entering! As I said when I emaile...Thanks again for entering! As I said when I emailed you I love that first line - not sure whether an agent would accept starting with passive voice but for me I was a little bit swoony straightaway, and the second line had a beautiful flow which matched the first perfectly. You keep up the gorgeous language throughout - you'll see all I have to offer you are nitpicks, sorry! Hope they help:<br /><br />I would have liked clarification as to who was speaking in that first paragraph, rather than having to work it out based on the lines following it. <br /><br />There’s some beautiful showing in that paragraph about the King’s bolt-hole, but I wouldn’t say 'trappings' twice because it’s not very common and therefore the repetition sticks out, as if it’s a pet word of yours.<br /><br />The phrases 'was joking' and 'was staring' read very passively, especially so close together. <br /><br />Nice showing rather than telling in the honey skyline.<br /><br />I wasn’t sure who said the building was magnificent until the beat which came after it, so that threw me a little.<br /><br />I’d change 'all but finished' to 'almost finished' just so you don’t have but but in the same sentence - but maybe that’s just me.<br /><br />Great last line. Great characters. And I love that I can see a whole world with very little details. Fantastic stuff!katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4752197308432751254.post-26533137401860300822012-06-17T03:39:26.669-07:002012-06-17T03:39:26.669-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.com