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Title: The Butterfly Effect
Genre: YA Paranormal
Query pitch:
Matt
should be dead. When he walks in on the murder of his best friend’s father,
Matt’s split-second decision to interfere costs him the man’s life, his best
friend, and his own safety. But when the evidence points to a dead man, the
police refuse to chase a ghost, and Matt is forced into therapy. Now, the
killer is back, targeting Matt and his friends in order to take what he failed
to collect the first time – their place in the afterlife.
David
can’t know the truth about what Matt saw that night, but he already knows more
about the reason behind his father’s murder than he lets on. The distance
between the former friends turns into hate, but when David is pushed to the
edge by everyone’s pity on the anniversary of his father’s death, Matt is the
only one he can turn to. Together with Sinead, Matt’s not-so-secret crush, and
two mysterious transfer students, they head out on a fateful ride that ends in
the deaths of all but the driver.
Sinead
makes it out alive and manages to get help, but an even greater danger lies in
wait at the hospital - and the only person who can help her is supposed to be
dead. When the four teens find themselves inexplicably alive, it's a race to
stop the killer from switching Sinead's departing soul with his own. Matt may
not have been able to save David's father, his friends, or himself, but nothing
will stop him from saving her. Not even death.
Hello
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of info to digest here and I found myself rereading for clarification. Is there a way to introduce David and identify him as the best friend? Who are the 4 teens that find themselves alive? Sinead, Matt, and the two strangers or is Dave with them? I think you can simplify and shorten and yet still say more of what you want to say. Concept seems cool. Keep at it and good luck
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThe story seems quite intriguing. However, a few things confused me. It starts off as a thriller and the paranormal part is hardly brought to the fore. Also too many characters and the MC's death throws the query in a bit of flux. Try and tidy it up.
Hope this helps.
Matt should be dead. When he walks in on the murder of his best friend’s father, Matt’s split-second decision to interfere costs him the man’s life, his best friend, and his own safety. But when the evidence points to a dead man, the police refuse to chase a ghost, and Matt is forced into therapy. Now, the killer is back, targeting Matt and his friends in order to take what he failed to collect the first time – their place in the afterlife. (My first impression: you're trying to tell me the story and make sure you don't forget anything. Can you make it flow better? It's a little choppy. Also, ask yourself: what's important? And how can I best convey that to an agent?)
ReplyDeleteDavid can’t know the truth about what Matt saw that night, but he already knows more about the reason behind his father’s murder than he lets on. (Why can't David know more? I think you need to flesh this out a bit) The distance between the former friends turns into hate (not sold on this sentence. I get what you're trying to say, but think you should say it differently), but when David is pushed to the edge by everyone’s pity on the anniversary of his father’s death, Matt is the only one he can turn to. Together with Sinead, Matt’s not-so-secret crush, and two mysterious transfer students, they head out on a fateful ride that ends in the deaths of all but the driver. (A couple of very long sentences here. Again, decide what's important and impart that to us.)
Sinead makes it out alive and manages to get help, but an even greater danger lies in wait at the hospital - and the only person who can help her is supposed to be dead. When the four teens find themselves inexplicably alive, it's a race to stop the killer from switching Sinead's departing soul with his own. Matt may not have been able to save David's father, his friends, or himself, but nothing will stop him from saving her. Not even death.
Over all, interesting idea here. I think your query is getting close, but it still needs some work. As I said early: decide what's important. Write that down. Then, approach the query from there. One thing that helped me: I sat down and typed out the story as I'd explain it to a stranger. From there, I was able to glean what was important and write my query from that.
Yea I think this is really confusing.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to stop trying to explain EVERYTHING and explain the imporant things deeper. I don't understand what happens with the murder, what does he see? A ghost? or does the murderer look normal but ends up being a dead guy? Either way explain that better. Make the hair on our arms stand up!
But I really like this line:
"Now, the killer is back, targeting Matt and his friends in order to take what he failed to collect the first time – their place in the afterlife."
I feel like this would make a really good last sentence for the query.
"Together with Sinead, Matt’s not-so-secret crush, and two mysterious transfer students, they head out on a fateful ride that ends in the deaths of all but the driver."
Why do they set out on the "ride" and what does that mean? What were they trying to do because you never really explain that. "Ends in the deaths of all but the driver." and I'm confused also about who dies. "together" I would think means the main character and his crush and the other two. But everyone but "the driver" dies. Whose the driver? Does he die? does his crush die? Or was he not with them at all? Not sure if its partially me, but this just isn't clicking.
"the only person who can help her is supposed to be dead." Huh? Is that the killer from the beginning? How does this connect?
The problem here, I think, is that you are too close to the story. You understand all these things so you don't realise that we don't. Try to look at it through someone elses eyes, someone who knows nothing about this story. What is the MOST important parts about this story, tell us that.
The great hook in this story is that someone or something is able to displace these people in the afterlife. I'm not quite sure how this is going to pan out, but I think this is where you need to focus.
ReplyDeleteI was really confused in the first paragraph too - like those who already commented - there was too much info and I couldn't quite get it straight in my mind. After a few reads of the whole thing - I'd suggest you highlight the paranormal or unexplainable aspects of the murder right off the bat.
I'm not quite sure the way you describe the souring relationship between David and Matt works very well in the second paragraph. Hatred is a pretty strong concept. If David is forced to turn towards Matt you might need a better reason than too much pity.
With 5 people in the car you'd be better off saying, everyone dies except Sinead (rather than referring to her as the driver).
I love the idea that the others don't die, and it looks like you've set up for an action packed ending, with the possibility of some good romantic tension. I think if you can streamline your pitch you've got a great idea. Best of luck!
Oh - and did you know 'The Butterfly Effect' is the name of a movie starring Ashton Kutcher?
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone! It was definitely a "spaghetti to the wall" kind of approach to this query. Deciding what to focus on is still troublesome; at this point, everything in the opening paragraph seems important enough to include, but at least I know what parts need further clarification and rephrasing.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I'm aware of the time-travel movie that the title and concept are usually most associated with. Calling it "The Lazarus Effect" instead doesn't exactly sound YA, haha. It's one of a list of titles I'm still considering, but the final word on it wouldn't be my call, anyway.
Thanks for all the suggestions!
Hi, and thanks for entering. Sorry it’s been a while – with a number of gig’s my band had to prepare for and no readily available internet I haven’t had a chance.
ReplyDeleteI’m intrigued by the first paragraph and feel immediate sympathy for him being forced into therapy, but it did read a little stilted because of the repetition of Matt in every sentence. I was a little confused by the last line of that paragraph, but once I’d read it enough times for it to click I thought it’s a great concept. Just a lot of information in one go. I’d also remove the comma after now.
Good build-up of internal and personal conflict between the friends in the second paragraph. I’m left wondering why you don’t identify the driver though.
The third paragraph immediately sounds like you’ve gone into synopsis mode. If Sinead is the driver that survived, I’d make that clear in the previous paragraph so that you can keep the action going into the third paragraph with something like ‘Severely injured herself, Sinead’s struggle to reach the hospital brings her face to face with an even greater danger.’ Obviously that wording is bad but it anything which describes a direct result of the previous paragraph might improve the flow.
Love the escalating tension and the empathy for the MC at the end – I can imagine quite a dramatic scene there. Catchy last line.
Good job!