Pitch/Query Workshop - GUTGAA Blogfest.

Hi fellow GUTGAA-ers, I'm trying something a little different today as part of our workshop. For a start I’ve left the query til last because I already have so much advice on it that if I get any more I think my head will explode. (Not even kidding). Secondly, I've recently re-arranged my first and second chapters, so this is the first time these words have been considered as the opening words of my MS. Scary, huh? But I can't wait to hear what you think and don't forget - be as harsh as you like. Every little bit helps. Thanks!

Katherine Amabel

The Hourglass Bridge

YA Urban Fantasy

90, 000 words

First 150 words:

The lie was simple; the effect, staggering.

A piercing screech erupted through the drawing room with enough violence to shake the thatch from the ceiling. Pain exploded in Arthur’s temples. He attempted a spell to block it out but he may as well have tried turning a gnome into a nymph for all the success he had. Rosemary, his twin, was about to yell at him anyway when the noise died down to a hiss. It still felt sharp enough to drill holes into their heads.

“Excellent work!” their tutor, Mr. Begley, congratulated Arthur over the noise. “Try it again.”

“Do you speak truth?” Arthur demanded, directing his wand at Mr. Begley’s throat.

“Of course,” he replied, and his soft, Irish accent soothed the hissing away to nothing.

“Gosh,” Arthur said. “That was…”

“Horrid, I know, but Levina insists I teach you these things. She wants you to be safe.”

Query Pitch:

Dear Agent,

When an involuntary daydream during history class leaves Diamond sleep ranting about a plot against evil, she thinks the worst is over at being scolded by her favourite teacher and giving her bullies more to laugh at. However that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly chivalrous teenage wizard, pulls her into sixteenth century Wales, expecting her to save his life.

Convinced he’s got the wrong history buff, Di is ready to suggest he stick his head on a pike and stay there – until she learns the truth. Arthur is about to inherit the legendary powers that protect his hidden, magical civilization. Malicia, an immortal witch whose looks can kill and whose temper shatters mountains, intends to destroy him for it. And a cryptic message says if Di can’t protect him, she and her twin brother will be next.

Determined to keep her brother safe, even if he is a pain in the butt who probably deserves time on the rack, Di agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he is powerful enough to fight. Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and near death (by embarrassment) experiences as she involuntarily swoons all over him, she refuses to acknowledge the destructive forces growing inside her. But when enemy spies attack her ancestors, and her brother develops saintly new powers which make him the most vulnerable target of all, Di realises she must decipher the ancient secrets of her bloodline and finish the war her daydream may have started – even if it means succumbing to a darker side of herself.

Writing, Wedgies, and Hollywood Slugs...

Hey guys, Robbie MacNiven just tagged me in a special ‘Gearing-Up-To-Get-An-Agent Blogfest’ game of cyber tag, and I'm so excited that for once I'll save my idiotic ramblings from the start of the post, and include them in with my answers instead. Enjoy!

What is the working title of your book?

— The Hourglass Bridge. (I’ve also got the working cover, the working blog, the working movie trailer and even the working camera angles and theme song for the final scene in the working finale of the working series. Some say I’m obsessive… I say leave me alone, I’m working).

Where did the idea come from for the book?

— As I touched on in my #GUTGAA meet & greet post, I woke up seeing a girl find a magic book and unknowingly summon a young witch and wizard into her room. But I had to ask, why was the book there? A: Because someone put it there. But why? A: Because they needed her. But why? (Yeah, I was one of those kids. Even I want to give young-me a wedgie). Anyway eventually I changed the book to an hourglass and developed an entire plot… as well as a debilitating crush on an imaginary sixteen-year-old from the sixteenth century.

Just my luck.

What genre does your book fall under?

— YA historical urban fantasy with a mystery bent and a hint of romantic suspense, written to outsell 50 Shades of The Hunger Games and be made into ten movies. (Now, if I could just pitch that to an agent, they’ll be thrilled...)

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

— Johnathan Rhys Myers as my crush’s tutor. Steven R. MacQueen as the MC’s twin brother. Gary Oldman as an important old guy I don’t have room to explain here. Daniel Craig as the king. Ian McKellan and Michael Gambon as the time keepers. Eva Green as the antagonist, and so on...

Not that I’ve thought about it, though.

What is the one-sentence short synopsis of your book?

—Hauled into sixteenth century Wales, a shy, teenage history buff must embrace the destructive powers she never knew she had, to protect her ancestors from a war she doesn’t know she started.

Also, there are slugs.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

— Depends whether you mean in my mind or in real life. :P Haha in all seriousness I’ve only sent out about four queries so I’m hoping for an agent, but I am extremely passionate about marketing (hence building this entire blog around book marketing and promotion) so I’m working on my author platform and look forward to the challenge of self-publishing if that’s the way life takes me.  

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

— Five months, and as soon as I finished and read it I decided there was more to tell before those events, so I threw it away and started another, which also took five months. I did all this in between travel, university, playing in a band and having a job, and by the end I had broken the Guinness world record for being the first person to go without sleep for one year straight. I’ve since spent two years editing, and slowly going insane.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

—Um, I thought everyone would have been sold on the slugs. No? Geez, tough crowd. Ok, how about the last line of the entire book? You ready? You sure? Well here it is…

The end.*

And now, time to tag three more GUTGAA-ERS! I pick…

@abswrites from over at http://myupsndowns.wordpress.com/

@julianalbrandt from over at http://julianalbrandt.com/blog/

and finally… I’ll pick from whoever tags themselves here today in the comment box. OK? Go!

*Disclaimer: Not actually the last line. Sorry. I was counting on the slugs.

And "The Butt-Cheeks Giveaway" Prize Goes To...

Before I announce the winner I just want to say thank you, as always, to everyone who participated in the contest. Between all of your RT's we managed to get Donna's interview a massive 11, 305 potential views, which I'd say definitely deserves a pat on the back behind! 


For the people who have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the original interview: On Cover Design, DIY Marketing & the Personification of Butt Cheeks... Plus Giveaway! , and here's the review of Donna's fabulous book: Hand Me A Longbow And Call Me A Wench - Review of Searching For Arthur. For more proof that it's awesome, look no further than the stunning cover and my favorite line, below. 


(Actually, you should probably look further or you'll never know if you won).

Nothing could compare to the agony of riding bareback in skinny jeans... my buttocks were threatening to disengage themselves from my body and run to a far off corner of the wood, where they would no doubt weep at the misfortune of being mine. - Donna Hosie, Searching For Arthur.

And the winner, of their very own copy of Searching For Arthur, is @shawna_7! Congratulations and thanks again, and thanks to Donna for her fantastic book!

On Cover Design, DIY Marketing & the Personification of Butt Cheeks... Plus Giveaway!

Nothing could compare to the agony of riding bareback in skinny jeans... my buttocks were threatening to disengage themselves from my body and run to a far off corner of the wood, where they would no doubt weep at the misfortune of being mine. - Donna Hosie, Searching For Arthur.

As many of you know (because I’m always banging on about it), I want this blog to really focus on writing, book promotion and experimenting with ways authors can generate publicity and build their author platform. So it is with a stupid amount of excitement that I’m trying something new – a blog interview. And my first guinea pig off the ranks is none other than Donna Hosie, author of the fabulous YA fantasy "Searching for Arthur", which I reviewed here last week.

Hi Donna, and thanks for agreeing to be my experiment! Your book has only recently hit the e-shelves, so you’re just beginning your promotional journey. Can you share your master plans?

-- I decided on a very strategic way of doing things. The first was to engage a professional designer for the cover - which is gorgeous! - and then market the book in stages. Stage one was obviously friends and family, stage two was family and friends of family and friends, and stage three is where I am now which is giving some free copies away to bloggers/reviewers for them to review and hopefully recommend.

    I wanted to avoid the route some debut authors go down which is to bombard social media in that first week. You just end up spamming and annoying everybody. I have always maintained that word of mouth and recommendations are a writer’s best hope for success and I am prepared to be in this for the long haul.

Wise words there, and you’re spot on about the cover – it’s stunning. How did it come about?

-- I engaged my own designer and found it to be a wonderful collaborative process - something traditionally published authors don't really get to experience. With the cover for Searching for Arthur, the designer and I went back and forth several times until the cover was a perfect match for my vision of the story.

Did you read up on book design or use the designer’s knowledge? What book design tips can you share?

-- I did read up on book design but I chose a designer who had worked with authors I knew. The important thing about the cover is to choose images carefully because most of the time it will be a thumbnail image people see. Keep it clean and clear, nothing fussy in your fonts and images.

And have you had any surprising responses for Searching for Arthur since you began to promote it?

-- I continue to be amazed when I read a tweet or review from a total stranger who has read and loved the book. When the readers are from the general public, then that is a wonderful feeling. Most of the comments centre around the originality of the tale I've told which is exactly what I think the selling point is.

Congratulations on receiving such positive feedback! One thing I personally loved throughout the book is that there were spectacular action scenes juxtaposed with moments of wonderful (and hilarious) comic relief as well as with some to-die-for romance scenes - which story arc did you enjoy writing the most?

-- There are so many story arcs in this tale, and I loved writing every one of them, but I have two joint favourites: the romance between Natasha and Bedivere (I think he is very much overlooked in Arthurian legend), and then the trio of Natasha, Arthur and Slurpy. The sibling relationship between Natasha and Arthur is very much the heart of the trilogy, but then throw in a thoroughly nasty girlfriend and it makes for fun writing.  I love writing Slurpy’s character because she is so nasty but I have to be careful not to make her one dimensional, so her redeeming feature is the fact that she truly loves Arthur. The decision to link her with Morgana came halfway through writing the novel but it fitted in effortlessly so it was clearly meant to be.

And finally, what’s one piece of advice everyone considering self-publishing should know?

-- Writers self-publishing need to be informed and they need to take their time. BE PROFESSIONAL ALWAYS.  I despair when I see someone announce they finished a novel one day and have it for sale the next. This is your career and if you want longevity - which I do - then you need to do it properly. That means a professional cover, a good edit, and a strategy for promotion. Doing it yourself is very empowering but it is a huge responsibility.

I’m sure it is, and I wish you the best of luck. To all of you in this little blog community we’re building together, I encourage you to go out and support Donna, even if it’s just by RTing this interview or my review (tweets here  & here). To one lucky tweeter we’ll award a free Kindle copy of Searching for Arthur, so come back this time next week to see if you've won)! And as this is my first interview, feel free to comment with any questions I should have covered and I’ll chase up the answers.

Thanks!

Hand Me A Longbow And Call Me A Wench - Review of Searching For Arthur, Plus Contest Update!

I know most of you are here for the contest update, so before I start I'll give you a minute to scroll down and see what it is. Be back here though, pronto.


*Taps foot and waits*


Back? Awesome. Because this week's review is not only all about a frankly fabulous book, but it's also a hint about a little incentive I'll be running next week. (UPDATE: The incentive, AKA a giveaway of Searching for Arthur, is live this week, along with an interview with Donna herself. So check out On Cover Design, DIY Marketing & the Personification of Butt Cheeks... and in the meantime, enjoy all this review-y goodness!)

Click the image to be transported to
the magical, far-away land of Amazon.

It is hard to make friends when you’re constantly on the move. Seventeen-year-old Natasha Roth’s father is a diplomat, and so her mother – who is paranoid about terrorists – has moved Natasha and her brother, Arthur, to their eighteenth house in seventeen years: Avalon Cottage, deep in the heart of a Welsh forest. 

Yet the terrorists are closer than they realize.

While out running, Natasha falls into a hidden tomb and awakens the legendary knights of Camelot: young warriors who have been in an enchanted sleep for a thousand years. All have been waiting patiently for the return of Arthur from the mysterious land of Avalon.

And now the knights are awake, they intend to reclaim their king.

When Natasha's brother goes missing, she joins forces with his girlfriend, “Slurpy” Samantha, in order to look for him. Natasha believes Samantha has fewer brain cells than an amoeba; Samantha believes Natasha is a freak. Together they bicker their way into a Welsh mountain and beyond, to the realm of Logres where the Knights of the Round Table are rallying once more.

Among the knights is Sir Bedivere, the most loyal of supporters to Arthur. He may be in dire need of a 21st Century razor, but he still possesses a set of lime-green eyes that can melt the soul. Yet just as Natasha starts to find confidence in this mystical land, Samantha deserts her. People who play by the rules are of no use to “Slurpy”. Samantha will take her own path to Arthur, aided and abetted by the dark arts which she willingly absorbs from a hot young stranger called Mordred.

A race across magical yet deadly lands is on. Natasha battles dwarf-riders, dragons, and eventually “Slurpy” to reach Camelot, where Arthur is held captive by the barbarian Saxon, Balvidore. Natasha’s woes become numerous. What will happen to her and Arthur when the knights realise the eighteen-year-old boy they thought was their king, is in fact a math student with appalling taste in girls? Can two people with a one thousand year age gap really have a relationship? And for the love of all things holy, how is a girl supposed to ride bareback in a pair of skinny jeans?

***

First of all, sounds great? You bet it is. And the reason I couldn’t wait to review Donna Hosie's Searching for Arthur is because it changed me. Not in a ‘grab a sword, declare yourself a knight and run off to fight wolf-riding dwarves’ kind of way, (although if that meant hooking up with any of the lead characters then hand me a longbow and call me a wench). It changed me because for a while I forgot I was an aspiring author who beats myself up if I don’t achieve a certain amount of writing each day… For a while I found that every time I opened my laptop to get some work done I would simply stare at the screen, yearning for my kindle, until I gave up and permitted myself one more chapter. (Or two. Or ten).

It’s not my fault the characters are so well done. Sure I probably laughed out loud a little too much, and swooned far more than was healthy, but I can’t be held accountable. Nor can you blame me for adoring the vivid settings and the way they constantly changed to keep the action fast and entertaining. I admit that sometimes the descriptions were told where they could have been shown, but the end result was still a rich, textured, real world and I loved every minute I was there.

The plot sucked me in and kept me captive, with just the right amount of epic external conflict and deep, relatable internal conflict.  And with an immensely satisfying ending and a lovely hint of what’s to come, I’m absolutely gagging for the next installment. My only regret (and notice I say regret instead of complaint) is that I feel that with a bit more editing it could have been superb. The fact is, however, that it didn’t interrupt from my enjoyment of the story for one second. Passive voice may normally be my mortal enemy, and my head might normally explode at the use of two adjectives where one (or none) would do, but reading this I honestly didn’t care, I just thought it was a shame they hadn’t been picked up. Overall I commend Donna for creating something so downright entertaining and I cannot wait to see what's coming next.

8/10


P.S. Contest update: If you've read the tragic tale of the world's most incompetent blogger (aka... me), you'll know I spend more of my time feeling like a poor, lost little drug-dealer than having decent internet. Fortunately I can catch the odd few minutes at the in-law's or the library, but unfortunately it means I haven't had a chance to go through all my twitter interactions, blog comments and emails from Lisa to tally up the entries for the raffle. However since Australia is in the future and it's already the weekend, I should be able to spend some time tallying everything tomorrow and be ready for a draw the next day. Huzzah!


P.P. S. Since hearing huzzah at work today I have decided it is now the best word ever. Just saying it makes me feel like donning a mustache and fist-pumping with my tobacco pipe. :-{
Huzzah!

Critique contest Entry no. 13

Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)

Title: The Butterfly Effect
Genre: YA Paranormal
Query pitch:

Matt should be dead. When he walks in on the murder of his best friend’s father, Matt’s split-second decision to interfere costs him the man’s life, his best friend, and his own safety. But when the evidence points to a dead man, the police refuse to chase a ghost, and Matt is forced into therapy. Now, the killer is back, targeting Matt and his friends in order to take what he failed to collect the first time – their place in the afterlife.

David can’t know the truth about what Matt saw that night, but he already knows more about the reason behind his father’s murder than he lets on. The distance between the former friends turns into hate, but when David is pushed to the edge by everyone’s pity on the anniversary of his father’s death, Matt is the only one he can turn to. Together with Sinead, Matt’s not-so-secret crush, and two mysterious transfer students, they head out on a fateful ride that ends in the deaths of all but the driver.

Sinead makes it out alive and manages to get help, but an even greater danger lies in wait at the hospital - and the only person who can help her is supposed to be dead. When the four teens find themselves inexplicably alive, it's a race to stop the killer from switching Sinead's departing soul with his own. Matt may not have been able to save David's father, his friends, or himself, but nothing will stop him from saving her. Not even death.

Critique contest Entry no. 10

Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)

Title: VIS DECOR: ALPHI 
Genre: YA Fantasy
First Page:

Under the planet’s churning blue waves, the sandy seabed sparkled from Vis Decor’s two suns. Nothing lived directly under the surface for the suns’ radiation wiped it out, but about a half mile down, the rays twinkled on a blooming coral reef. On top of it, fifteen-year-old Alphi McClure lay.

Around her, red coral spiked up in the water in a splash of color, and pink formations slithered over rocks like worms. Green brain coral snaked around the orange tubes, which lay motionless until—Plop! An Alpha popped out of the tube. Then another, and another, their smooth, off-white scales glistening as they swam out of their houses.

"Malcorianism meeting!" one of the Alphas said. He tightened the thin membrane that attached his legs. They clamped together and he swam off, pumping his newly formed fin.

Alphi stared at the huge diamond-like formation, the Pinoe, a distance away. The Pinoe jutted out with slates of green and red coral, and every single Alpha in the village swam to it.

Except Alphi. She rested beneath a blue arch, playing with her feet as cool currents breezed past her webbed fingers and toes.

"Alphi." One woman stood next to a pink arch. Her skin was barely white enough to be called a Pure, and many mothers surrounded her, pearls hanging from their skinny white necks.

"Megna." Alphi pulled her feet apart, the fin turning into two limbs as she slapped away the fish that swam around her head. She rose to her tall height, her chest heaving.

"Will you go to your mother’s speech? Or will you hang around with the Greys?"

The mothers around Megna snickered, their deeply sunken eyes glistening.

"I’m—"Alphi started.

"Oh, Megna! Look." One of the mothers pointed a webbed finger at a fat five-year-old who swam through the arches, his scales like graphite.

"Don’t," Alphi sputtered, but Megna swam up to the dark-skinned child. Alphi hopped over some spiky coral and stared at Calt, her golden hair billowing behind her.

"Hello," Megna said.

"Megna, just leave him alone—"

But Megna stared at the boy. The difference in their skin, hers, white, and his, grey, became even more noticeable. "You can’t swim near us Pures. Don’t you know?"

"S—Sorry. I—I didn’t see you." Calt looked down. Alphi shook her head. Don’t speak.

"So you’re blind too," Megna said.

The mothers tittered. Just like the rest of the Alphas, they rose many feet off the sea floor. Hair cascaded down their backs, billowing behind them through the currents.

Calt turned helplessly to Alphi. "W-will we play in the trench today? My mother wants you to come over."

No. No.

But Alphi smiled, trying to swallow the fear that crept inside her. Calt didn’t know what his words meant…. "Sure." She didn’t dare look at Megna.

"Are you joking, Alphi?" Megna yelled.

"He’s five years old—"

"We are Pures. We don’t live in some dirty trench, like him and his dark parents."

"Yea," Calt said, "but Alphi loves coming to my house."

Critique contest Entry no. 9.

Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)

Title: Valkyrie Mist
Genre: YA fantasy
First Page:

Today might be a great day. The sun isn’t too bright, my hair hasn’t frizzed from the stubborn wind, and I got a A- on my Chem test. Of course there’s the fact that, Ben Wong is destined to die today on McGovern Street, in front of the houses with all the rose bushes. His name screamed through my skull during biology. It took everything I had to hold a smile, especially when I passed him at school.

I brush black strands out of my eyes with shaking hands as I peek out from behind an enormous eucalyptus tree along the footpath. Ben is a few houses ahead, strolling home as if nothing matters. Sort of like the voices and visions, clawing around in my head, screaming the names of people who only have a few hours to live. This time, I’m going to stop it and save Ben. There has to be a way. There must be a reason why I see them, what else could it be?

The stink from the overflowing garbage along the curb swooshes past on the afternoon wind, and I almost gag. The way Ben is scratching his butt makes me think he has fleas. Another reason I shouldn’t sit next to him in ancient history. What a slob. It’s easy to follow his trail; empty bags of chips, two candy wrappers, two apple cores and a mashed soda can, and still he’s beyond skinny. This metabolism thing is so unfair.

Only a block away from where it happens, and the image jumps into my head just as it did back in class. Its intensity as jolting as when it forced me, shirking, out of my seat, right in the middle of Mr. Colby’s pop quiz. There’s another mark in Mr. Colby’s notebook. I wanted to explain, but how could I, and just like now, my throat felt as if it was locked up.

I move out from behind the tree, passing the brick houses, an elderly woman with handfuls of shopping bags, and a ginger cat sun baking on someone’s front lawn. My fists dig into the pockets of my skirt as I stroll, trying my best to look casual. My brain is screaming at me to run up to Ben and drag him in the opposite direction. A perfect way to confirm that I am some kind of weirdo.

Chattering voices from behind catch my attention. I glance back to see Sari and her pack of she-hyenas approaching. My stomach clenches. Oh great, just what I need, some taunting and insults from her majesty.

I call out, “Hey, Ben, wait up.”

He looks back, wiping his mouth with a sleeve. “Leev? Don’t you live on Cross Street?”

I sprint up beside him. At the age of eleven he had followed me home, then asked me out on a date to a burger joint, which I declined, but that was years ago. Now at seventeen, he still remembers where I live.

Critique contest Entry no. 8.

Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)

Title: Shadows of Destiny
Genre: YA fantasy
First Page:

Taylor took one long, deep breath before opening the door to her own personal hell.

Two dozen heads turned to look at her as she walked in, then the whispers began.

"Why doesn't she just stay home?" one girl said.

“I swear, I shiver every time I look into her eyes," a boy whispered.

“Then don’t! I bet she’d curse you,” his friend said next to him.  

A few students laughed.

Taylor ignored the snickering, she was used to it. She walked past the staring eyes with her head held high. She wouldn’t acknowledge them. Wouldn’t show how they affected her.

Sitting at her desk, she carefully pulled out an envelope, but flinched when she heard a grunt from behind her. Turning her head slowly, wary, she saw a pretty blonde girl smiling at her.

"Yes?" Taylor asked, realizing the girl was trying to get her attention.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Go right ahead." Taylor responded, annoyed. She hardly expected a sleep over invitation.

"What's it like having a murderer for a father?" the girl said more loudly, her smile never leaving her face. Taylor didn’t recognize this girl. She realized she must be new in town, already jumping on the bandwagon.  She learns fast, Taylor thought.

A dozen responses ran through Taylor's mind, "What's it like being a total…"-- no, no need for another trip the office.  "It's great! He taught me how to skin a human right before he died. I really like your pigmentation, by the way." She held back a laugh. But then she stopped and really thought about the question.

"I don't have a father," she finally said.

That really was how it felt most of the time. Her father died when she was 4 years old, now at 17 it's like he never existed. He's just a ghost. All he's ever been able to do is haunt her.

The bell rang to signal the start of class, cutting her riveting conversation with the girl behind her short. Mr. Macintyre, a large man with a bushy gray beard, stood to face the class. He began babbling on about some famous historian.

 It didn’t take long for Taylor’s thoughts to float away from the teacher in front of her to the students surrounding her. She couldn't for her life figure out why people hated her the way they did.

Even when she was 4 years old she had heard the whispers, saw the looks. Sometimes she wished she had been younger, like her brother Caleb, when her father died. Young enough that she couldn’t remember. Then she could have escaped the nasty rumors that followed their family after the crash. But then she wouldn't remember her father's kind eyes.

She didn't believe for a second what they said about him. Caleb didn't have that luxury. At least she knew if her father wasn't the monster they made him out to be, maybe she wasn't either.

Critique contest Entry no. 6.

Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)


Title: Averagely Extraordinary
Genre: YA Sci-Fi

First Page:

Prologue

The entire cavern rumbled for the third time in as many minutes.

A young apprentice shook his head and continued working. In front of him lay hundreds of vials and a variety of coloured viscous liquids.

His mind was buzzing from the constant hum of power around him. He was not young but the rough environment had aged him beyond his years. And the constant flow of high energy around him had caused his hair to fall out prematurely.

Growing his hair back was on the agenda as soon as he finished on his current project. The one which was bubbling in front of him; an apt fertilizer for a special kind of fungus his mentor was growing.

He picked his head up to marvel at the genius of his guru. He was helping the fledgling population of a planet survive the harsh and unfertile land by providing them with an edible strain of fungus.

Another tremor shook the cavern causing the vials and bottles to clink and jingle.  The apprentice sighed as a splotch of brown goo fell on his trousers.

He heard the trademark swishing of the long coat and turned around to see his mentor enter the cavern. To conceal his thousand year life-span, Jake often changed his appearance. Presently he had settled on a stout middle aged body with handsome streak of grey running through his mottled brown hair.

“My dear Frank! Come now. Do not be so sullen. I did not take you to be my protégé simply because your last name is Einstein. It does remind me of my favourite experiment though,” said the old man, with a toothy grin.

“This infernal buzzing is driving me crazy, Jake. Plus this constant rumbling. You have to stop your fungi growing such deep roots. It’s irritating to keep moving my vials.”

“The rumbling is not being caused by the fungi,” said Jake, surprised. “I thought you were trying to build your pylons again.”

Frank was miffed. The pylons were his first individual project and although, Jake was very supportive, he didn’t seem to think much of it. “Then what is it? A real quake?”

“That is impossible. You know we aren’t on a specific planet.” The great inventor looked puzzled, a look Frank had never seen on the man’s face.

A thunderous crash shook the whole cavern and the vials smashed on the floor, hissing and creating acidic puddles.

“What was that?” asked the apprentice, coughing. The ceiling was raining stone-dust on them.

“Somebody is trying to reach us,” said Jake, trying to move away a chair which had tripped him.

“Reach us here?” Frank asked, incredulously. “But nobody knows where we are. Or for that matter, who we are!” Frank was proud to be the apprentice to the great inventor but he hadn’t wagered his life for it. 

The old man looked worried. “I think I know. Do you remember the time we tried combining essences a couple of centuries ago?”

Critique contest Entry no. 4.

Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)


Title: LOOK AT ME
Genre: YA Magical Realism

First Page:

Chapter One

Men are wolves. They are hairy, snarling, creatures of the dark, with teeth that snap and hold. They’ll drain you lifeless before they release.

You disagree? That’s because most hide their slinking predator behind bright eyes and easy smiles, hands in pockets, and let me get that for you. But my eyes see the truth. My eyes pull the truth from their jaws. My eyes split their handsome skins to reveal the animal beneath.

Men are wolves and I hunt them. Watch and learn.

Tonight’s wolf is skittish.

I caught his eye this afternoon, whispered promises in his ear and had him cornered before he’d finished chewing his donut. But that was hours ago. My charms have worn off and he’s beginning to realize he’s come to the middle of nowhere, surrounded by black forest, with a woman he doesn’t know.

His instincts kick in his gut.

It doesn’t help that I’m sitting in his beige-leather passenger seat, legs crossed at the ankles, back rigid for what I’m about to do -- what he’s about to do to me. I haven’t looked at him yet. He is still thinking clearly.

He clears his throat. “Uh, so what did you say your name was, again?”

“Monique.” It’s Carly, actually. But the wolf doesn’t need to know that.

“Monique…” He tastes my name, tempting the wolf inside to out. He’s feeling weak, uncertain. He wants to feel strong. I will make him feel strong. For a time.

I suppress a shudder. “And you’re Evan? Evan Gregory?”

He nods, his eyes flipping to the rearview mirror. “Yes.”

“You’re the Founder and Managing Director of IT Solutions –- Virginia’s newest and most successful technological corporate?”

His lips curl away from his teeth. “Yes, that’s ri- wait, how did you know-?”

I turn then, meet his gaze with mine and it all happens very quickly.

His jaw drops. His eyes widen. His pupils dilate and the wolf arrives; Teeth close, tongue traces the bottom lip, muscles bunch.

My hackles rise.

“Monique,” he growls and lunges across the console between us, his hands already tearing at my clothes. He is faster than I expected -- not as soft as I imagined -- and frightening in his focus. His eyes remain clamped on mine as forces himself over me, leaves bruises on my thighs, my arms, my stomach in his hurry to take me.

I curl into a ball, but do not close my eyes. Let them see what a monster he is. Let them remember what hides in all of them. Let them be sure I know what kind of heart beats in all their chests.

But in his frustration, he tears my skirt from hem to waist. A blade of fear slices through my stomach and I open my mouth to scream the safe word-

Light bathes the car. We are transported from darkest night, to brightest day. But his maddened eyes don’t break. They shine with the hunger for me.

Critique contest Entry no. 3.

Many thanks to this author (me!) for submitting to our critique contest. For your chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher  just follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)

Title: The Hourglass Bridge
Genre: YA Fantasy
Query Pitch:

When an unexpected nap during history class has Diamond sleep-ranting about a plot against evil, she thinks the worst is over at being scolded by her favourite teacher and giving her bullies more to laugh at. However that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly chivalrous teenage wizard, pulls her into the sixteenth century, expecting her to save his life.

Convinced he’s got the wrong history buff, Di is ready to throw a panic attack and demand to be sent home – until she learns the truth. Arthur is about to inherit the legendary powers that protect his hidden, magical civilization; Malicia, an immortal witch whose looks can kill and whose temper shatters mountains, intends to destroy him for it; and a cryptic message says if Di can’t protect him, she and her twin brother will be next.

It just fails to mention that her nap through class may have triggered Malicia’s plan in the first place.

Desperate to keep her brother safe, even if he is a pain in the butt who probably deserves time on the rack, Di agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he is powerful enough to fight. Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and numerous near death (by embarrasment) experiences as she involuntarily swoons all over him, she fails to notice the destructive forces growing inside her. But when sixteenth century spies attack her ancestors, and her brother’s saintly new powers make him the most vulnerable target of all, Di realises she must finish the war she started – even if it means succumbing to the darker side of herself.

Critique contest Entry no. 1.

Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)


Title: Abandon

Genre: YA Post-Apocalyptic Dystopia

Logline:

When Darcy Hallow is attacked on her way home, she is taken to a training centre and told that she will now take her sister's place in Riverside city, where the first born teenagers from each household, between the ages of 14 and 18, are sent to tackle mutants and monsters, protecting their home. But when Raina Hallow goes missing in action, Darcy must complete her term in service and fulfil the requirement. So until Raina is found, Darcy must fight and survive in the deadliest city on earth. She will find out what happened to her sister…or die trying.

Review: The Fallen Queen - Jane Kindred

The Fallen Queen - Jane Kindred

Entangled Publishing, November 30 2011

I won’t lie, this is the first book review I’ve done since primary school. I’ve been thinking about writing some for a while, but when I finished The Fallen Queen I knew this was it. What can I say? It’s just one of those books you can’t stop talking about.

I want to start with the characters, since they are still resonating so strongly in my head. Two in particular had me regularly cracking up, but they weren’t just there for comic relief. Their struggles were as heart-wrenching as they were heart-warming, and while I thought I had the romantic subplot guessed, I was thrilled to be proven wrong more than once. The main character was neither flamboyantly bad-ass nor a damsel in distress and instead had moments of both, and it was that combination which made her actions ring out as honest, true, and very likeable. The villainess was beautifully portrayed (and by that I mean I can feel the diamonds woven into her silken robes beneath my hands, such was the skill of her description) and I yearned to know more about her. In fact, my only complaint is that I felt she must have had a deeper motivation than she ever let on.

While we’re on the subject of descriptions, a lot must be said for the world building. The story took me from the pure and pristine scenes of Heaven to its fascinating back alleys and gambling dens, and then on to the spectacular European Alps, with such realism that any writer trying to improve their showing instead of telling should really take note. The descriptions are built up organically so that the information feels incidental yet turns out to be incredibly vivid, and the same techniques are used for characterization too. I can’t remember a single instance where description stalled the flow, and I love the use of unique and varying beats to show the characters’ emotions.

Again reading this as a writer, I loved the twisting plot and the constant increase in both internal and external conflict. Chapters often ended with dramatic one-liners but the effect is subtle and modest enough not to irritate. My only disappointment, if you can even call it that, related to a minor subplot. It had me absolutely fascinated from the start, only to be resolved halfway through with a two sentence explanation I neither understood nor wanted to believe. The book is part of a series thought, so with luck my questions will be resolved in the next installment.

There is a lot to applaud in the editing, too. Elegant descriptions clashed beautifully against the dialogue of some of the rougher characters, but the swearing was never gratuitous and only served to increase the emotional tension. There was a hardly a beat used twice, and hardly a clichéd description anywhere. And the fact that words were rarely repeated in close proximity to each other – an intense pet hate of mine – kept the pace fast and smooth.

Finally, the themes of the novel were embedded subtly enough that the message came through without me feeling lectured. I won’t mention my interpretations at the risk of spoiling anyone else’s, because whenever I read I like to mull that sort of thing over for myself afterward. And I’m sure over the next few days I’ll be doing just that.

Overall, a fantastic read with just the right amount of mystery and action. 8/10

P.S. This is a new blog. Anything you could do to spread the word would be much appreciated. Thanks!