Showing posts with label Fantasy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fantasy. Show all posts

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Critique contest Entry no. 10


Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)

Title: VIS DECOR: ALPHI 
Genre: YA Fantasy
First Page:



Under the planet’s churning blue waves, the sandy seabed sparkled from Vis Decor’s two suns. Nothing lived directly under the surface for the suns’ radiation wiped it out, but about a half mile down, the rays twinkled on a blooming coral reef. On top of it, fifteen-year-old Alphi McClure lay.
Around her, red coral spiked up in the water in a splash of color, and pink formations slithered over rocks like worms. Green brain coral snaked around the orange tubes, which lay motionless until—Plop! An Alpha popped out of the tube. Then another, and another, their smooth, off-white scales glistening as they swam out of their houses.
"Malcorianism meeting!" one of the Alphas said. He tightened the thin membrane that attached his legs. They clamped together and he swam off, pumping his newly formed fin.
Alphi stared at the huge diamond-like formation, the Pinoe, a distance away. The Pinoe jutted out with slates of green and red coral, and every single Alpha in the village swam to it.
Except Alphi. She rested beneath a blue arch, playing with her feet as cool currents breezed past her webbed fingers and toes.
"Alphi." One woman stood next to a pink arch. Her skin was barely white enough to be called a Pure, and many mothers surrounded her, pearls hanging from their skinny white necks.
"Megna." Alphi pulled her feet apart, the fin turning into two limbs as she slapped away the fish that swam around her head. She rose to her tall height, her chest heaving.
"Will you go to your mother’s speech? Or will you hang around with the Greys?"
The mothers around Megna snickered, their deeply sunken eyes glistening.
"I’m—"Alphi started.
"Oh, Megna! Look." One of the mothers pointed a webbed finger at a fat five-year-old who swam through the arches, his scales like graphite.
"Don’t," Alphi sputtered, but Megna swam up to the dark-skinned child. Alphi hopped over some spiky coral and stared at Calt, her golden hair billowing behind her.
"Hello," Megna said.
"Megna, just leave him alone—"
But Megna stared at the boy. The difference in their skin, hers, white, and his, grey, became even more noticeable. "You can’t swim near us Pures. Don’t you know?"
"S—Sorry. I—I didn’t see you." Calt looked down. Alphi shook her head. Don’t speak.
"So you’re blind too," Megna said.
The mothers tittered. Just like the rest of the Alphas, they rose many feet off the sea floor. Hair cascaded down their backs, billowing behind them through the currents.
Calt turned helplessly to Alphi. "W-will we play in the trench today? My mother wants you to come over."
No. No.
But Alphi smiled, trying to swallow the fear that crept inside her. Calt didn’t know what his words meant…. "Sure." She didn’t dare look at Megna.
"Are you joking, Alphi?" Megna yelled.
"He’s five years old—"
"We are Pures. We don’t live in some dirty trench, like him and his dark parents."
"Yea," Calt said, "but Alphi loves coming to my house."

Monday, 25 June 2012

Critique contest Entry no. 9.

Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)

Title: Valkyrie Mist
Genre: YA fantasy
First Page:



Today might be a great day. The sun isn’t too bright, my hair hasn’t frizzed from the stubborn wind, and I got a A- on my Chem test. Of course there’s the fact that, Ben Wong is destined to die today on McGovern Street, in front of the houses with all the rose bushes. His name screamed through my skull during biology. It took everything I had to hold a smile, especially when I passed him at school.
I brush black strands out of my eyes with shaking hands as I peek out from behind an enormous eucalyptus tree along the footpath. Ben is a few houses ahead, strolling home as if nothing matters. Sort of like the voices and visions, clawing around in my head, screaming the names of people who only have a few hours to live. This time, I’m going to stop it and save Ben. There has to be a way. There must be a reason why I see them, what else could it be?
The stink from the overflowing garbage along the curb swooshes past on the afternoon wind, and I almost gag. The way Ben is scratching his butt makes me think he has fleas. Another reason I shouldn’t sit next to him in ancient history. What a slob. It’s easy to follow his trail; empty bags of chips, two candy wrappers, two apple cores and a mashed soda can, and still he’s beyond skinny. This metabolism thing is so unfair.
Only a block away from where it happens, and the image jumps into my head just as it did back in class. Its intensity as jolting as when it forced me, shirking, out of my seat, right in the middle of Mr. Colby’s pop quiz. There’s another mark in Mr. Colby’s notebook. I wanted to explain, but how could I, and just like now, my throat felt as if it was locked up.
I move out from behind the tree, passing the brick houses, an elderly woman with handfuls of shopping bags, and a ginger cat sun baking on someone’s front lawn. My fists dig into the pockets of my skirt as I stroll, trying my best to look casual. My brain is screaming at me to run up to Ben and drag him in the opposite direction. A perfect way to confirm that I am some kind of weirdo.
Chattering voices from behind catch my attention. I glance back to see Sari and her pack of she-hyenas approaching. My stomach clenches. Oh great, just what I need, some taunting and insults from her majesty.
I call out, “Hey, Ben, wait up.”
He looks back, wiping his mouth with a sleeve. “Leev? Don’t you live on Cross Street?”
I sprint up beside him. At the age of eleven he had followed me home, then asked me out on a date to a burger joint, which I declined, but that was years ago. Now at seventeen, he still remembers where I live.

Critique contest Entry no. 8.


Many thanks to this author for submitting to our critique contest. For your own chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher, follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)

Title: Shadows of Destiny
Genre: YA fantasy
First Page:



Taylor took one long, deep breath before opening the door to her own personal hell.
Two dozen heads turned to look at her as she walked in, then the whispers began.
"Why doesn't she just stay home?" one girl said.
“I swear, I shiver every time I look into her eyes," a boy whispered.
“Then don’t! I bet she’d curse you,” his friend said next to him.  
A few students laughed.
Taylor ignored the snickering, she was used to it. She walked past the staring eyes with her head held high. She wouldn’t acknowledge them. Wouldn’t show how they affected her.
Sitting at her desk, she carefully pulled out an envelope, but flinched when she heard a grunt from behind her. Turning her head slowly, wary, she saw a pretty blonde girl smiling at her.
"Yes?" Taylor asked, realizing the girl was trying to get her attention.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Go right ahead." Taylor responded, annoyed. She hardly expected a sleep over invitation.
"What's it like having a murderer for a father?" the girl said more loudly, her smile never leaving her face. Taylor didn’t recognize this girl. She realized she must be new in town, already jumping on the bandwagon.  She learns fast, Taylor thought.
A dozen responses ran through Taylor's mind, "What's it like being a total…"-- no, no need for another trip the office.  "It's great! He taught me how to skin a human right before he died. I really like your pigmentation, by the way." She held back a laugh. But then she stopped and really thought about the question.
"I don't have a father," she finally said.
That really was how it felt most of the time. Her father died when she was 4 years old, now at 17 it's like he never existed. He's just a ghost. All he's ever been able to do is haunt her.
The bell rang to signal the start of class, cutting her riveting conversation with the girl behind her short. Mr. Macintyre, a large man with a bushy gray beard, stood to face the class. He began babbling on about some famous historian.
 It didn’t take long for Taylor’s thoughts to float away from the teacher in front of her to the students surrounding her. She couldn't for her life figure out why people hated her the way they did.
Even when she was 4 years old she had heard the whispers, saw the looks. Sometimes she wished she had been younger, like her brother Caleb, when her father died. Young enough that she couldn’t remember. Then she could have escaped the nasty rumors that followed their family after the crash. But then she wouldn't remember her father's kind eyes.
She didn't believe for a second what they said about him. Caleb didn't have that luxury. At least she knew if her father wasn't the monster they made him out to be, maybe she wasn't either.

Friday, 22 June 2012

Critique contest Entry no. 3.

Many thanks to this author (me!) for submitting to our critique contest. For your chance to win a 10 chapter professional manuscript edit and $20 ebook voucher  just follow @katherineamabel and @lisaslanding on twitter and tweet "I'm in!" Share your thoughts here for extra entries in the draw, and check out the rules to score even more! (http://beyondthehourglassbridge.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/critique-contest-and-giveaway.html)
Title: The Hourglass Bridge
Genre: YA Fantasy
Query Pitch:

When an unexpected nap during history class has Diamond sleep-ranting about a plot against evil, she thinks the worst is over at being scolded by her favourite teacher and giving her bullies more to laugh at. However that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly chivalrous teenage wizard, pulls her into the sixteenth century, expecting her to save his life.
Convinced he’s got the wrong history buff, Di is ready to throw a panic attack and demand to be sent home – until she learns the truth. Arthur is about to inherit the legendary powers that protect his hidden, magical civilization; Malicia, an immortal witch whose looks can kill and whose temper shatters mountains, intends to destroy him for it; and a cryptic message says if Di can’t protect him, she and her twin brother will be next.
It just fails to mention that her nap through class may have triggered Malicia’s plan in the first place.
Desperate to keep her brother safe, even if he is a pain in the butt who probably deserves time on the rack, Di agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he is powerful enough to fight. Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and numerous near death (by embarrasment) experiences as she involuntarily swoons all over him, she fails to notice the destructive forces growing inside her. But when sixteenth century spies attack her ancestors, and her brother’s saintly new powers make him the most vulnerable target of all, Di realises she must finish the war she started – even if it means succumbing to the darker side of herself.