Hi fellow GUTGAA-ers, I'm trying something a
little different today as part of our workshop. For a start I’ve left the query
til last because I already have so much advice on it that if I get any more I
think my head will explode. (Not even kidding). Secondly, I've recently re-arranged
my first and second chapters, so this is the first time these words have been
considered as the opening words of my MS. Scary, huh? But I can't wait to hear
what you think and don't forget - be as harsh as you like. Every little bit
helps. Thanks!
Katherine Amabel
The Hourglass Bridge
YA Urban Fantasy
90, 000 words
First 150 words:
The lie was simple; the effect, staggering.
A piercing screech erupted through the drawing room
with enough violence to shake the thatch from the ceiling. Pain exploded in
Arthur’s temples. He attempted a spell to block it out but he may as well have
tried turning a gnome into a nymph for all the success he had. Rosemary, his
twin, was about to yell at him anyway when the noise died down to a hiss. It
still felt sharp enough to drill holes into their heads.
“Excellent work!” their tutor, Mr. Begley,
congratulated Arthur over the noise. “Try it again.”
“Do you speak truth?” Arthur demanded, directing his
wand at Mr. Begley’s throat.
“Of course,” he replied, and his soft, Irish accent
soothed the hissing away to nothing.
“Gosh,” Arthur said. “That was…”
“Horrid, I know, but Levina insists I teach you these
things. She wants you to be safe.”
Query Pitch:
Dear Agent,
When an involuntary daydream during
history class leaves Diamond sleep ranting about a plot against evil, she
thinks the worst is over at being scolded by her favourite teacher and giving
her bullies more to laugh at. However that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly
chivalrous teenage wizard, pulls her into sixteenth century Wales, expecting
her to save his life.
Convinced he’s got the wrong history
buff, Di is ready to suggest he stick his head on a pike and stay there – until
she learns the truth. Arthur is about to inherit the legendary powers that
protect his hidden, magical civilization. Malicia, an immortal witch whose
looks can kill and whose temper shatters mountains, intends to destroy him for
it. And a cryptic message says if Di can’t protect him, she and her twin
brother will be next.
Determined to keep her brother safe,
even if he is a pain in the butt who probably deserves time on the rack, Di
agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he is powerful enough to fight.
Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and near death
(by embarrassment) experiences as she involuntarily swoons all over him, she
refuses to acknowledge the destructive forces growing inside her. But when
enemy spies attack her ancestors, and her brother develops saintly new powers which
make him the most vulnerable target of all, Di realises she must decipher the
ancient secrets of her bloodline and finish the war her daydream may have
started – even if it means succumbing to a darker side of herself.
I love your first 150! Granted, I was slightly confused at the beginning, but I think that's what you intended and I understood more as the passage went on.
ReplyDeleteOnly two small things:
The lie was simple; the effect, staggering.
A piercing screech erupted through (SHOULDN'T THIS BE "FROM THE DRAWING ROOM"?) the drawing room with enough violence to shake the thatch from the ceiling. Pain exploded in Arthur’s temples. He attempted a spell to block it out but he may as well have tried turning a gnome into a nymph for all the success he had. Rosemary, his twin, was about to yell at him anyway when the noise died down to a hiss. It still felt sharp enough to drill holes into their heads. (WHEN YOU SAY "THEIR" YOU STEP OUTSIDE OF ARTHUR'S POV. CHANGE "THEIR" TO "HIS")
“Excellent work!” their tutor, Mr. Begley, congratulated Arthur over the noise. “Try it again.”
“Do you speak truth?” Arthur demanded, directing his wand at Mr. Begley’s throat.
“Of course,” he replied, and his soft, Irish accent soothed the hissing away to nothing.
“Gosh,” Arthur said. “That was…”
“Horrid, I know, but Levina insists I teach you these things. She wants you to be safe.”
I'm actually quite curious as to what happens next. Those last two lines are a perfect way to end your 150 :)
Yowza! This was an absolute blast to read, start to finish. No complaints, just love, baby. All hail Arthur!
ReplyDeleteHaha don't tell that to my partner - he's already jealous of him!
DeleteI really like the way this starts out!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I'm still not sure what the noise is or where it came from. I also am a bit lost about Mr. Begley, and Arthur's relationship. Is Arhtur threatening Mr. Begley with his wand? If so, is Mr. Begley scared of Arthur?
Love the voice in your query. This sounds like a fun story!
Thoughts on the first 150: Are you starting the book in the daydream? I was a little confused, because your query leads me to believe Diamond is the MC, but the first person I meet is Arthur... it's just a little confusing. Plus, many agents suggest it's not a good idea to introduce a character waking up from a dream/daydream, etc, so I wonder if there isn't another way to start it with Di. Other than that, I would say the last two lines is a great hook and it leaves me wondering why he needs to be safe.
ReplyDeleteNow for the query:
When a daydream during history class leaves Diamond sleep ranting (THIS PHRASING IS A AWKWARD TO ME) about a plot against evil, she thinks the worst is over at being scolded by her favourite teacher and giving her bullies more to laugh at. (THIS SEEMS LIKE A VERY LONG SENTENCE. MAYBE YOU CAN BREAK IT UP TO BUILD UP THE TENSION.) BUT that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly chivalrous teenage wizard, pulls her into sixteenth century Wales, expecting her to save his life. (I'M ASSUMING ARTHUR IS FROM HER DAYDREAM, RIGHT? IF SO, MAKE THAT CLEAR, SOMETHING ABOUT HER DREAM COMING TO LIFE, ETC.)
Convinced he’s got the wrong history buff, Di is ready to suggest he stick his head on a pike and stay there – until she learns the truth. Arthur is about to inherit the legendary powers that protect his hidden, magical civilization. Malicia, an immortal witch whose looks can kill and whose temper shatters mountains, intends to destroy him for it. (DO THE POWERS PROTECT THE CIVILIZATION FROM MALICIA OR IS SHE ALREADY A PART OF THAT WORLD? AND WHY DOES SHE WANT THEM SO BAD?) And a cryptic message says if Di can’t protect him, she and her twin brother will be next. (THERE HAS TO BE A WAY TO STRENGTHEN THIS SENTENCE UP. ALSO, YOU BRING UP A TWIN BROTHER FOR THE FIRST TIME.)
Determined to keep her brother safe, even if he is a pain in the butt who probably deserves time on the rack, Di agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he is powerful enough to fight (AGAINST WHAT?). Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and near death-by-embarrassment experiences as she involuntarily swoons (THIS MAKES IT SOUND LIKE SHE IS PASSIVE IN WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER. LIKE SHE HAS NO CONTROL OR MOTIVATION TO FALL OR NOT FALL FOR HIM. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?) all over him, she refuses to acknowledge the destructive forces (WHAT DESTRUCTIVE FORCES AND WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?) growing inside her. But when enemy spies attack her ancestors, and her brother develops saintly new powers which make him the most vulnerable target of all, Di must decipher the ancient secrets of her bloodline and finish the war her daydream started, even if it means succumbing to a darker side of herself. (I LIKE THIS LAST LINE... MAKES ME WANT TO KNOW HER BETTER!)
Comments: Just to let you know, I give crits here just like I do in my writer's group. Just because I pointed out several things doesn't mean I don't like it. I'm actually very curious about what happens next. Keep in mind when you're writing a query letter that you want to convey at least some of the MC's Goals, Motivation and Conflict, either internal or external or both.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you around GUTGAA!
I actually love the opening of your book! but I am offering a critique nonetheless. I had issue with this phrase "Rosemary, his twin, was about to yell at him anyway when the noise died down to a hiss. It still felt sharp enough to drill holes into their heads." (POV error here unless this is omniscient. Also need to really watch out for words like ‘felt’ if you are doing limited 3rd person POV, “The noise was sharp enough to drill holes into their heads” is a better metaphor.
ReplyDeleteOn to the pitch. First glance it is way too much. I think all you need is this:
Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and near death (by embarrassment) experiences, DIAMOND involuntarily swoons all over ARTHUR, A BREATHTAKING CHIVALROUS TEENAGE WIZARD. She refuses to acknowledge the destructive forces growing inside her. But when enemy spies attack her ancestors and her brother develops saintly new powers which make him the most vulnerable target of all, Di realiZes she must decipher the ancient secrets of her bloodline and finish the war her daydream may have started – even if it means succumbing to a darker side of herself.
That is enough to draw me in. Good luck with your book!
Hello from GUTGAA! I love your first 150. I also love most of your query, but think it can be shortened. Di as a history buff might be better in the first paragraph so the strip to 16th century Wales flows better in the query. Maybe introduce the twin brother earlier in the query since he seems to be important. I condensed the third paragraph to this, which seems to tie the action together, but with fewer words:
ReplyDeleteDetermined to keep her brother safe, Di agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he is powerful enough to fight. Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and near death by embarrassment, she involuntarily swoons all over him, but refuses to acknowledge the destructive forces growing inside her while fighting the darker side of herself.
All just suggestions, but I'd really love to read the story as it sounds exciting and entertaining and I love time travel! Best of luck with GUTGAA!
So I'm critiquing your query because the first 150 words left me feeling a little lost BUT your query made me seriously want more. So much so that I added you to my 'cheerleading' section on my blog sidebar. Edits are in CAPS.
ReplyDeleteWhen an involuntary daydream during history class leaves Diamond sleep ranting [LEAVES DIAMOND SLEEP RANTING IS A LITTLE CLUMSY] about a plot against evil, she thinks the worst is over at being ['AT BEING' COULD BE REPLACED BY 'WHEN SHE'S'] scolded by her favourite teacher and giving [GIVEN?] her bullies more to laugh at. However that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly chivalrous teenage wizard, pulls her into sixteenth century Wales, expecting her to save his life. [THIS, RIGHT HERE, IS WHERE YOU PULL ME IN.]
Convinced he’s got the wrong history buff [GREAT DESCRIPTION - ALSO TELLS US WHY HE CHOOSES HER IN THE FIRST PLACE], Di is ready to suggest he stick his head on a pike and stay there [LOVE] – until she learns the truth. Arthur is about to inherit the legendary powers that protect his hidden, magical civilization. Malicia, an immortal witch whose looks can kill and whose temper shatters mountains [GREAT], intends to destroy him for it ['IT' IS A LITTLE LOST IN THIS SENTENCE. MAKE CLEARER]. And a cryptic message says if Di can’t protect him, she and her twin brother will be next.
Determined to keep her brother safe, even if he is a pain in the butt who probably deserves time on the rack, Di agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he is powerful enough to fight. Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and near death (by embarrassment) experiences as she involuntarily swoons all over him, she refuses to acknowledge the destructive forces growing inside her. But when enemy spies attack her ancestors, and her brother develops saintly new powers which make him the most vulnerable target of all, Di realises she must decipher the ancient secrets of her bloodline and finish the war her daydream may have started – even if it means succumbing to a darker side of herself. [SO AWESOME. LOVE THESE STAKES]
So there wasn't a whole lot I thought needed changing here. It's interesting and well written. Pretty much all you need.
I love your opening line of the story. It's fascinating.
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything to add to the comments that have already been made, but I wanted to add that I think you have a great sounding story, you should be proud of it.
Thought I'd drop by since you kindly critiqued my query, but I find myself with nothing to say. This is an excellent query and a great opening. I'm not sure what you previous opening was like, bu this one does all the right things, it opens with action, conflict and voice. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I never made it over during the initial GUTGAA meet and greet but I'm here now. I thought your first 150 were exciting and intriguing - obviously I have no idea what the lie is or who/what is screeching, but I like the voice. The name Arthur and the thatch suggested a retelling of Arthur/Merlin but then urban (fantasy) kind of suggested that maybe it's not. I didn't read your query until after. I love anything Welsh (note my name) and the ms I'm using for PitchPolish has a section that takes place in Annwn (Welsh afterworld). So I joined your blog because we Welsh-o-philes must stick together! Come say hi when you have a chance and please rip my query/150 to shreds when it goes up. You have nothing to fear from me, or my puppies.
ReplyDeletehttp://rhiannwynnnolet.blogspot.com/
I appreciate your comments on the Swagger Writers blog, and I'll add mine here. I don't know how your original first chapter began, but your opening sentence here is a grabber. I'm a sucker for a great opening line & you have one. I do agree, however, with the previous comments that mention POV.
ReplyDeleteThanks for popping by my site and leaving feedback. I'm here to return the favor on your query. First, I've been dinged because folks said my query was too long. Someone commented the "sweet spot" is between 250-350 words. Yours is 262-words but "appears" longer because of the big blocks of text. Also, you should include the name of your manuscript, word count and that it's completed in the query itself. I placed mine at the bottom, but some folks put it at the top. Finally, I took a hard stab at reworking the query BUT this is only a suggestion. Many folks here loved what you had. I boiled down the different plot threads into one, mainly the dream, Arthur's inheritance, modern setting, and potential war.
ReplyDeleteQUERY
AN involuntary daydream during history class leaves Diamond sleep ranting about a plot against evil. Scolded by her favourite teacher and LAUGHED AT BY her bullies, HER DAY COULDN'T GET WEIRDER. However that’s before Arthur, a breathtakingly chivalrous teenage wizard, YANKS her into sixteenth century Wales, expecting her to save his life.
Convinced he’s NABBED the wrong history buff, Di is ONE TANTRUM AWAY FROM suggestING he stick his head on a pike – until she learns the truth. Arthur WILL inherit legendary powers IF Malicia, an immortal witch, DOESN'T destroy him FIRST.
Di agrees to hide Arthur in the modern world until he'S powerful enough to fight. Caught in a double life of sword fights, covert magic lessons, and near death (by embarrassment) experiences as she involuntarily swoons all over him, Di must also decipher ancient secrets IN her bloodline – and finish the war her daydream may have started.
Hi from GUTGAA! I like the concept here, it sounds like a fun story. Okay, on to the critique. :)
ReplyDeleteThe lie was simple; the effect, staggering. I don't understand this line at all. What lie? Do you mean the spell? It felt like that would make more sense.
A piercing screech erupted through the drawing room with enough violence to shake the thatch from the ceiling. Pain exploded in Arthur’s temples. He attempted a spell to block it out but he may as well have tried turning a gnome into a nymph for all the success he had.
I didn't understand that Arthur had caused the noise until I was done this and I felt like we should know that right away. If you'd started with: The spell was simple, the effect staggering. I'd have understood that right away.
Rosemary, his twin, was about to yell at him anyway when the noise died down to a hiss. It still felt sharp enough to drill holes into their heads.
I agree with the other comments. This is told in Arthur's POV, so it felt odd to say drill holes into THEIR heads.I'd change it to: "To drill holes into his head."
“Excellent work!” their tutor, Mr. Begley, congratulated Arthur over the noise. “Try it again.”
“Do you speak truth?” Arthur demanded, directing his wand at Mr. Begley’s throat.
This felt like a bit of an overreaction. Like a threat to hurt Mr. Begley. Would a student threaten their tutor like this? And, if they did, wouldn't they get into trouble?
“Of course,” he replied, and his soft, Irish accent soothed the hissing away to nothing.
“Gosh,” Arthur said. “That was…”
“Horrid, I know, but Levina insists I teach you these things. She wants you to be safe.”
Those were the only few things I had. There's a lot of voice in this beginning and I like how it starts with some action. :)
I read everyone's else's comments on the query and I didn't feel like I had anything new to add to that. It seems like you've gotten a lot of really good suggestions. My one suggestion that nobody else has made would be to change sleep ranting to sleep-ranting. To me, it reads strangely without the hyphen.
Good luck with GUTGAA!! I hope you do well. :) If you could stop by my blog and take a look at mine, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!!
Hi, I'm a fellow GUTGAA bloghopper. Great first 150! Interesting that you shifted it from a later place. I've done that before, too. I think the query is quite good, as well. The first sentence is a tad longish, otherwise I liked it a lot. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading about Arthur. I also liked reading a bit of the story first and then seeing the query. This was a good learning experience for me, as a late joiner to GUTGAA. Thank you for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteThe ONLY thing I would suggest is removing the parenthesis in the query.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice, the plot line and the character already. It's a great start and I think you'll have an agent in no time!
I was confused at the beginning of the 150 words because I was thinking, "What lie?"
ReplyDeleteThe rest of it was good though.
The query is very hooky and well written. I was a little confused about the line convinced he has the wrong history buff because I didn't know if Di was convinced or author. and the part (from embarrassment) feels like it's in the wrong spot because it interrupts near death experiences. the voice is awesome so good job on that.
Leaving the query to save your head. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe lie was simple; the effect, staggering. GREEEEEAT HOOK.
A piercing screech erupted through the drawing room with enough violence to shake the thatch from the ceiling. Pain exploded in Arthur’s temples. NOT SURE HOW THIS TIES IN, BUT I'LL WAIT A LITTLE LONGER FOR THE ANSWER. He attempted a spell to block it out but he may as well have tried turning a gnome into a nymph for all the success he had. Rosemary, his twin, was about to yell at him anyway when the noise died down to a hiss. It still felt sharp enough to drill holes into their heads.
“Excellent work!” NOT SURE WHY HE'S SAYING THIS. THEY DIDN'T SUCCEED, DID THEY? their tutor, Mr. Begley, congratulated Arthur <-- CAN SAY "SAID" HERE. WE CAN SEE HE'S CONGRATULATING ARTHUR. over the noise. “Try it again.”
“Do you speak truth?” Arthur demanded, directing his wand at Mr. Begley’s throat.
“Of course,” he replied, and his soft, Irish accent MIGHT WANT TO MENTION THIS SOONER. I GOT THROWN BECAUSE I WAS IMAGINING ANOTHER ACCENT. IF YOU'RE NOT LEAVING THE READER WITH AN OPTION, YOU NEED TO LIMIT THEM RIGHT FROM THE START. soothed the hissing away to nothing.
“Gosh,” Arthur said. “That was…”
“Horrid, I know, but Levina insists I teach you these things. She wants you to be safe.”
OKAY I LIKE YOUR STYLE, BUT I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. IS IT A SPELL? WHAT SORT? WHAT DOES IT DO? WHAT EXACTLY STOPPED IT? BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE THE SPELL HAS BEEN DEALT WITH AND NOTHING ABOUT IT HAS BEEN CLARIFIED TO THE READER.
Hope it helps. :-)
YAY!!! I LOVE that opening =). It really makes the reader sit up and say "wha--?" and keep reading. I think you made the right choice to open with that.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that felt clunky to me:
Rosemary, his twin, was about to yell at him anyway when
the noise died down to a hiss. It still felt sharp enough to drill holes into their heads.
I think you can smooth this transition out just a little bit without losing anything in the story. Otherwise, though, nothing really stood out to me.
Good luck!!
Lovely first 150 words...I am also wondering if it is a spell and it is quite intriguing. Nice opening and I'd also like to comment on your Query...I never wrote one before and I like that you wrote it like a letter to an Agent. I haven't seen that before. Hope you get a chance to stop by my blog, too! You take care and here's to meeting more Authors via GUTGAA!
ReplyDeleteDr Margaret Aranda
www.drmargaretaranda.blogspot.com
www.girlpowerinamm.blogspot.com